


Flaw in My Code

by Maeven42



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: 707 | Luciel Choi's Real Name, 707 | Luciel Choi's Route, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bc I don't want to spoil, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Porn, Emotional Sex, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, Non-Graphic Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, POV First Person, POV Zen | Hyun Ryu, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, Zen | Hyun Ryu's Route, if they are added later, potentially
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-04 10:48:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 38,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11553624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maeven42/pseuds/Maeven42
Summary: Madeline Cain (MC) has a complicated past. When she and Seven finally get together, the couple is forced to cope with her trauma, Seven's emotional complexity, unrequited love from another RFA member, and a dark web of lies from Maddie's former life which follows her across the world. Will they succeed in fighting it all and stay together, or will they fold under pressure? Seven X MC. M for suicidality, self-harm, abuse, and sex. Spoilers for pretty much the whole game, but primarily for Seven's route, the secret endings, and Zen's route.





	1. Chapter One - Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note: This started out as a chapter in my other fic Shattered, which is about mental health and the MM guys, but as I was writing, I didn’t want this version of MC (for the purpose of this story, Madeline Cain) and her relationship with Seven to just be a vignette, and it grew into this story.
> 
> A lot of the content is  more culturally American/Western than the original MM. Given that I don’t know that much about South Korean culture outside of Cheritz games, a lot of this - particularly the way the story deals with issues of sex, sexuality, and gender ended up being fairly culturally American, although I think that’s pretty common for FanFiction written in English. This story’s MC is American, and her involvement in the MM storyline is pretty canon standard. Details not in the game are developed, but other than that, it’s pretty much a continuation of canon through Seven’s relationship with MC. The beginning of the story is set in between after-ends six and seven.   
>    
> If you have time to review, it would be much appreciated!  
>    
>    
> Spoiler alert for secret endings, Seven’s route, and possibly other routes as well. Trigger warnings for self-harm, abuse, and sex.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Drink up with me now and forget all about  
> The pressure of days. Do what I say,  
> And I'll make you okay and drive them away  
> The images stuck in your head  
> People you've been before that you  
> Don't want around anymore  
> That push and shove and won't bend to your will  
> I'll keep them still.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1! CW for sex and mild violence.

“Light is easy to love.  
Show me your darkness.”  
-R Queen 

 

  
James opened the door, but didn’t make eye contact with me. I braced myself for a confrontation. I didn’t like to argue, but I liked being lied to far less. His home was spotless as usual. But when, in the past, he had tried to remove traces of my wife, this time, her clothes were in the laundry. A feminine looking blanket was draped across the couch, and Desperate Housewives had been paused on the television, a show for which I knew he would have no patience. I had come by for a late-night visit. She was supposed to be visiting her mother, but I saw them, through the window, in an intimate moment. When James looked out, we made eye contact. We had barely spoken since.

“I don’t have much time, Madeline. I’m leaving to campaign soon.”

“What were you doing with her? You told me you weren’t… together anymore.” I followed him up the stairs at his townhouse, trying not to yell. An affair with a politician sounds a lot more scandalous than it felt when I was getting into it. He was an adjunct at my university. He taught a class. I went to office hours, and he convinced me to campaign for him. Nights got late at the campaign, and things… happened. It didn’t seem that serious to me. I didn’t realize the ramifications until he introduced me, at a campaign fundraiser, to his wife. 

“Don’t worry about it babe. We were just talking. She wants me to win the next election.” I knew this was a lie.

“It didn’t look like talking to me. Do you meet to lobby while shirtless, too? Does she know you have a girlfriend?”

“It’s not like that. She doesn’t need to know.”

“How do you think infidelity would help your election chances?” I pulled out my phone, typing on Tripter. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I said, choking back a sob. I hated feeling like the other woman. Every time he touched me, it made me think of her, and how awful she must feel.

“Don’t you dare,” he said menacingly.

“Or what? You can’t do anything to me. You know I’ll tell the press about everything if you do.

“I don’t think so.” He shoved me against the wall, wrapping his hands around my neck.

“James, you’re hurting me. Let go,” I coughed. “I can’t breathe.”

“No. If I can’t have your fidelity, I will demand your obedience… And if I can’t, I will put you in the fucking ground. There is no proof of anything happening between us. The best part about a secret affair is that it’s easy to erase evidence.” The look in his eyes scared me. There was none of love there which he had professed to me in the past. No light. No empathy. All I saw was dark and ruthless ambition.

“Okay…” I cried. I felt my vision going dark and my fingers had begun to numb with fear. “I won’t tell anyone anything. But I don’t want to see you ever again, either.” My consciousness was starting to fade away when he let me go. I collapsed at his feet, and air rushed into my lungs, but my relief was cut short when he kicked me. My head was already spinning, but things only got worse when I fell down the stairs. I was lucky that he kicked me from the ground. If I had been standing, and pushed, I probably would have broken my neck. But instead, I came away with bruises, scrapes, and a long cut down my arm.

 

I awoke in a panic. I could feel the blood seeping down my arm and my throat closing up. My face was wet with tears, and I started scratching myself. I couldn’t stop scratching. My skin felt too filthy. I couldn’t believe I had let that man touch me. It wasn’t just the choking which I could feel. It was his fingers in my hair, his mouth on mine, and his hands on me.

“Madeline?” A gentle voice asked. I looked down at the bed and saw Saeyoung lying there, looking up at me with a worried expression. I had been so caught up that I had forgotten that he was there. “You should have woken me up. You know I am always here for you if you have a nightmare. You know. Defender of justice and all that includes sweet dreams of my beautiful girlfriend as well.” He looked at me and saw the scratch marks on my arms and chest. “What happened?”

“Nothing. I have allergies and my skin was itchy.” He looked at me suspiciously.

“What was your dream about?”

“I don’t remember,” I lied.

“Come back to bed.”

“I need to take a shower.” 

“Let me join you,” he said, smiling at me.

“It will be a cold shower.”

“I’ll brave the cold to wash my girlfriend’s hair. I can’t believe you think so little of me,” he laughed. When I got out of bed, he followed me and hugged me from behind, kissing the crook of my neck. I was starting to feel more connected to reality. The memory of that man’s hands on me was less fresh, even if it would never be gone. I turned on the water, and, as I’d promised, it was cold. This would probably stop me from sleeping for the rest of the night, but it would also clear my mind. I got in first and started shivering, but the feeling of dirt was already washing off of my body.

“Are you sure you want a cold shower?” He seemed to have his reservations.

“Yes.”

“Okay… I’ll join you then.” My shower may have been cold, but his skin was still warm. I had intended to quickly run in and wash my hair, but when my boyfriend slipped his hands around waist and started kissing me, it was clear that this was going to take a while. I quietly moaned. “This water is awful, but you’re… still so warm,” he said, trailing his hand across the top of my thighs before touching me.

“St-stop,” I whimpered. He paused.

“You want me to stop?”

“No,” I said, putting his hand back where it had been. “We need a safe word.” He nodded and kissed me, pushing his fingers inside of me and curling them back in the best way. “Oh my god,” I moaned. “Saeyoung… That feels amazing.”

“One day, I want to kiss you in the rain,” he said, smiling. “It’s one of the things on my soulmates bucket list.”

“You’re so-“

“Charlie,” he called, shouting.

“Huh?”

“I named it.” The robot cat he had made walked into the bathroom.

“Sensing depression,” it announced. I gulped.

“Why did it say ‘sensing depression?’ Are you okay?”

“It’s just the steam messing with it. I don’t think Charlie is waterproof. But tell it to be quiet. I have a headache.” He looked at me, confused.

“Charlie, add ‘kiss Madeline in the rain’ to soulmate bucket list.”

“Item added,” it replied, before walking back out of the room.

“Good. I was a little worried it would start shooting fire.” I was relieved and felt a mild amount of pressure slip off my chest. Saeyoung didn’t know about my affair with James, my parents, or much of anything else which had happened to me in the US... and I didn’t want him to.

“Even if it did, you’d still be the hottest part of this room.”

“Also, soulmate bucket list?!”

“Of course. It’s not that I can’t remember, but I just really like hearing Charlie say it back.” I ran my hands through his hair. “Maddie?”

“Yeah?”

“This feels so real.”

“It is,” I said, reaching down so I could squeeze him, and he groaned. I kept stroking him, and kissed him, starting at his mouth, and then down his chest, covered in goosebumps, and stomach, which made him flinch in laughter. I dropped to my knees and teased him with my tongue, and then I took him in my mouth. He wrapped his hands in my hair, and, as I tasted him, I was sure that I wouldn't be bothered with thoughts of any other man for quite a while.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Review if you get the chance! Do you like the way Seven is written, or do I need to change him somehow? The song in the summary is “Between the Bars,” by Elliot Smith. You can listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPD-a1FjUtU


	2. Cuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sing me to sleep  
> And then leave me alone.  
> Don't try to wake me in the morning,  
> 'Cause I will be gone.  
> Don't feel bad for me.  
> I want you to know,  
> Deep in the cell of my heart,  
> I will feel so glad to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter two! CW in this chapter for verbal/physical abuse and suicidality

“Madeline, this isn’t good enough,” my father said, pointing at the score before hitting me. My cheek stung, and my eyes watered a bit, but this was nothing I hadn’t experienced many times before. 

“Why not? What isn’t good enough? It’s top 5%.” I had scored well on my national exams. My teachers had ensured me of this. 

“We don’t pay to send you to private school for top 5%. What a waste. You are a stupid girl and a huge waste of resources.”

“Do you agree?” I looked at my mother who was regretfully observing the scene.

“You should listen to your father.” I felt like the air had been taken from my chest. I had no allies in this house. I started to walk to my room but paused when I heard them talking.

“I knew we shouldn’t have had a child,” he said. I choked back a sob. It was moments like this when I agreed. I wished I didn’t exist. I turned back to face them.

“Dad, you’re right. You made the wrong decision.” Hot tears poured down my face as I ran up the stairs. My room was of no comfort to me. It was a reminder that I wouldn’t have anything if the two of them hadn’t cared for me. 

 

I lay in bed, recalling my past and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to forget their faces. That was a memory I would always live with. I was still laying there, trying to black out that part of my childhood, when my phone ring. My stomach turned. It wasn't my normal, chiming ring, but something much more ominous. When I had changed my parent’s call notification to a funeral dirge, it seemed funny at the time. I had thought myself wry and clever, for it would never ring. It would just be something I could laugh about when I was perusing contacts. But here I was, faced with a funeral dirge, functionally forced to answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Maddie.”

“Father.” 

“We need to talk.”

“Oh, really? I figured you called because you wanted to go jump-roping. Thank you for informing me.”

“Enough snark.” 

“No. Never enough snark.”

“Young lady -“

“I’m not so young anymore, Greg. I’m no longer a child.” Yeah, I called my parents by their first names when I was displeased with them. It served as a reminder - both to myself, and to them, that they were failed parents. I was in no way responsible for our broken relationships.

“Madeline Cain, you need to speak to me a little more respectfully.”

“I would rather not.”

“Don’t forget that I am the one paying for your life there.” I tried to hold back the wave of nausea. I’m sure he loved reminding me of this. “It’s time for you to come home.” 

“No.”

“Your study abroad is a waste of money. What have you done with your time? Volunteer? Get B’s? None of that is worth the thousands I’m paying. You have to come back to the US. You have no other way to support yourself.” I had wracked my mind a million times for this. I couldn’t work part-time and do school. I could drop out, but what would that mean for my future? Especially given that I had just submitted a transfer application, to stay here, permanently. I knew I wasn’t eligible for any financial aid - my parents were wealthy, and they prided themselves on it, but I hoped that they would decide they didn’t want me around and approve of my decision. It wasn’t like tuition cost any less in the US. But now, it was looking like that wouldn’t be an option I would have. The worst part about abusive parents was that with every part of me that they chipped away, I began to believe them. 

“You don’t even want me there,” I snapped. I threw my phone down - I couldn’t stand to hear his voice anymore. It landed on the carpet with a dull thud. The call disconnected. I would have to deal with this soon, but not now. Things were going so well with Saeyoung. Things with his brother were finally getting a little smoother, and he wasn’t working at the agency anymore, so he had so much time. I wouldn't mess things up with him. I would have to find some way to stay. That didn’t even deal with whether or not it would be safe to go back to the US… No one, including my parents, knew the real reason I had left. As much as I hated my parents, I hated myself so much more for having to be reliant on them. I hated my fate being in the hands of people who could hurt me. I felt a familiar itch in my wrists, and I knew that this phone call was going to unravel me. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author note: What do you think about the way Madeline’s background is being revealed? Please review! The song in the summary is “Asleep,” by The Smiths. You can listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9grE_VaPcAw 
> 
> Although Madeline is generally pretty snarky, I think the pain in this song generally encapsulates how she feels inside, regarding her parents.


	3. Unspoken Wishes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Eleven O’Clock,  
> It’s got me real low.  
> Restaurants are shutting, and I’m sitting here just thinking,  
> What I haven’t done and won’t get to now… Will I ever let you know?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three! Zen is finally introduced. TW for alcohol and physical intimacy.

Two weeks ago: 

Seven was at the hospital with his brother, still. Madeline sat across from me, anxiously glancing at her phone every few minutes, and gnawing on her fingernails. The fireplace near us crackled. It was summer, but King’s Coffee loved the winter atmosphere, so they kept it on all-year round. She always insisted on sitting near it, claiming the air conditioning made her too cold. 

“Do you think he’ll be out soon?”

“No,” I told her honestly. 

“I… just needed a break. The hospital waiting room was making me crazy.” 

“He’ll understand.” Seven probably would, but even if he wouldn’t, I would have answered the same. Seven may have been struggling with the situation, but I could see the toll it was taking on her, too. Too often when I came to bring her lunch, her face was streaked with mascara. There were constantly circles under her eyes from losing sleep in the fluorescent lighting. “What do you want?” 

“Honestly, not coffee.”

“Are you hungry?” 

“No,” she laughed darkly. “I need a drink. Is that too horrible? Going out while he’s at his brother’s hospital bed?” I looked at her, and something lurched in my stomach. It was late, and she shouldn’t have been saying something like that to me. I wasn’t her boyfriend. 

“Don’t say things like that to me. You’ll give me the wrong idea.”

“Well, don’t get the wrong idea. Does that fix it?” I sighed. Not really, I thought to myself. But I knew I would have no luck convincing her. There was no way she would understand. 

“I want to go to Magnolia’s. I haven’t been out in forever. You should come with me.” She wasn’t asking. “Pleeease?” I couldn’t say no, to her, like that. 

“Just don’t drink too much, okay. And don’t let me. I followed her out of the coffee shop, trying to ignore the glare from the cashier because we hadn't bought anything. Maddie’s favorite bar wasn’t far, and we walked there - probably for the best, because I didn’t like the idea of either of us being put in a position where we would have to drive.

The line wasn’t long, and before I could blink, or reconsider this, extremely bad decision, we were pushing our way through crowds of bodies, music pulsing.

“MC,” I called. I was the only one who adopted the abbreviation, and I knew she hated it, but it was easier to yell. “Stay with me.” She shrugged and kept making her way to the bar. The bartender was looking at her in a way which made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t imagine any boyfriend being okay with this outing, but I tried to hold my tongue. Her relationship was her business. I would just do my best to take care of her. If I hadn’t agreed to go, she would have left by herself. When I looked at, I wondered if this had been the plan along. She wasn’t dressed for either a coffee shop or waiting in a hospital. Had she plotted this, knowing I would go along if she pushed me? Ugh, only someone like her could date Seven. She was stubborn, optimistic, and brilliant, very patient, and… wearing a very short skirt. I ran towards the bar.

“Madeline! What are you wearing?”

“Huh? The same thing I was wearing earlier. What’s up with you?” She looked at me in confusion. “He’d like a cold beer.” Ah. I had forgotten the last quality. Completely, obliviously, unaware of the rest of humanity. Maddie could be a bit of an alien, too. “I want two shots of -“

“You’re going to get a hangover. Don’t drink too much. And you can’t be wearing things like that out… Most men aren’t gentlemen, like me.” She glared at me but ignored my concerns.

“Three shots, then.” I frowned. “Don’t worry. One of them is for you,” she said with a grin. 

“I don’t even like that stuff.”

“I’m paying. And you’re supposed to be comforting me. I think we should have a fun time tonight and get drunk. I’m tired of worrying, and I’m sure you are, too.” Yeah… tired of worrying. I sure was. I could hardly sleep at night when I thought of her, sitting there, biting her nails like she had been earlier today. The bartender still had his eyes on her, and handed her the drinks. 

“It’s on the house,” he told her. He was staring down at her, checking out the way she looked in her dress. I felt my face go red with anger. 

“Thanks,” she grinned. “Come on Zen, drink up!”

“Sure, honey,” I said, putting my arm around her. I tried to ignore how soft she was… how silky her hair felt. She looked at me strangely.

“What are you doing?” She said, looking up at me with annoyance. Thankfully, the bar was so noisy that I doubt anyone else heard. 

“Just roll with it,” I muttered, leaning down to whisper in her ear. “That guy is hitting on you.” The proximity was making me nervous for getting a little too excited, so I pulled away quickly. 

“Um, okay… Well, I’m not trying to carry drinks with me. I’ll spill.” She quickly downed her two shots and handed me mine. The taste hurt my throat, but the way it softened my mind was a relief. The bartender was glaring at me, but still handed me my beer. I looked back at him smugly. Although I had no legitimacy to be smug, I had, at least for a moment, been able to pretend she was mine. “Let’s go sit over there, then,” she said. We were lucky to see that there was a couple who had just gotten up from a table, leaving it empty. They were having an intimate moment, publicly. He was kissing her, and her hands were in his hair. I sighed and thought of all of the nights I had returned to my apartment, empty. The mornings I had spent, wishing there was someone I could make breakfast. All I wanted was a nice girlfriend to take care of, and… to love. I shook my head, trying to get the glum thoughts away, and looked at Maddie. I would be a sad drunk the other 364 days of the year.

“Drink your beer,” she said buoyantly. The smile on her Maddie’s was plastered, and didn’t seem real at all. It was clear she was trying to convince herself to have a good time. I took a sip of my drink, and tried not to gag. The beer was warm. A server came over to us. She probably had noticed that neither of us had anything on the table other than my beer, and pushed through the crowds of people dancing. As she approached, I noticed her staring at me.

“Z-Zen?” I nodded at her. It was too loud to have a real conversation. A second glance at her told me she was pretty. She had long, dark hair, big eyes, and a nervous smile. She looked… a bit familiar, but I couldn’t think of who she reminded me of. “Can I get you anything?” Her eyes seemed like they were going to pop out of her head. This had to be a fan. She glanced at Maddie and frowned. “And you?”

“Just two more shots for me,” she said. “He likes cold beer.” She grinned at the girl conspiratorially, and I prayed that this wasn’t something Maddie had set up because she thought I was lonely. 

“Are you t-together?” She stuttered.

“Nope,” Maddie grinned. “He’s totally single.” The server blinked and turned her attention to me. 

“I can get you anything. It’s totally on me. I’m Emily. I’m your fan.” Her grin was so wide that it was nearly blinding. She stepped closer. “You like beer? I can show you our special beer menu. Come with me.” I sighed tiredly. I was not nearly drunk enough for this. 

“I don’t mess around,” I told her honestly. “I respect women.” 

“It’s okay then,” she said, smile slightly dimmer. “We can just talk… and I can get you some drinks - totally free. You seem stressed. How about some shots?” Maddie was nodding enthusiastically. I made eye contact with her.

“I shouldn’t leave you here.” 

“No, go! I’m totally fine. I see my friend over there.” She waved at a pink haired girl who I had never seen before. “Zoey,” she yelled, gesturing to come over. When the other girl made eye contact, she looked thrilled, and she pushed her way towards the table. 

“Oh my god, Madeline! I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“How are you?” She looked excited to see her friend and winked at me before nodding at the waitress.

“I’m great! Who is this?” She gestured at Zen, raising her eyebrows.

“Just a friend. He was just going to talk with,” she narrowed her eyes at the server’s name tag. “Emily, about beers. Let’s catch up! Zen, move so she can sit down.” Maddie practically pushed me out of my chair. 

“Are you sure?”

“I’m super sure. Let me talk to my friend!” She was faking irritation. I could tell. She just wanted me to go with Emily, who was eagerly watching me. I sighed, but decided to go along with this. If it would make her feel better, I could talk to this girl a bit. As I was walking towards the bar with her, the music dimmed, and I overheard Maddie’s friend.

“Madeline - is he into you?” 

“No way. He’s just a friend. Besides, I’m with Saeyoung. Have I told you about him?” “No, but that waitress… looks just like you.”

“Huh? I don’t see the similarity. Let’s snapchat my boyfriend.” She pulled out her phone and took a video of the two of them, saying hello to Seven. Maddie said that she loved him. Something pulled at my heartstrings, but I redirected my attention to the cute waitress. 

“What do you want to drink? She said you liked beer?”

“Get whatever,” I said disinterestedly, trying to make it less obvious that I was watching Maddie, who had gotten up and was now dancing with her friend.

“Okay, remember you said you were down for anything, though.” She snuck behind the bar and poured a number of shots for me. I swallowed one, and she did the same. I coughed at the taste.

“What the hell is this? It’s awful.” 

“Everclear. We’re the only bar in the area which serves it. It’s like, 95% alcohol.” I looked back at her, and she was looking even more like Maddie as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Let’s do some more!” I took three more shots with her, and my world was spinning. I didn’t feel nauseous - my tolerance wasn’t low enough for that, but I was definitely going to have a little trouble walking and would have a headache the next day.

“Let’s get out of here,” Emily said. 

“No… you have your job,” I slurred.

“Don’t worry,” she said, stepping out from behind the bar, and putting a hand on my chest. “My shift is over.” She grabbed my hand and started dragging me towards the bar. I tried not to stumble and looked back, trying to find Maddie. She was just where I left her - taking more shots with her friend, and looking relaxed as she videoed the two of them, before blowing a kiss at the camera. Her poor boyfriend was not going to like this. But at least she seemed safe, and happy enough. I drunkenly followed Emily around the building an into a back alley. If she were more menacing, I would worry for my safety, but she was small and cute, so I was more worried about her. She pushed me against the wall, pressing her body against me.

“No, stop…” I said. “Don’t do this. I can’t… I don't want to take advantage of you. You should worry more about your safety.” 

“I want this, Zenny. I’ve been your fan for a long time, and I’ve wanted to kiss you ever since I saw you in the Dandelion musical.” Huh? That show had been a flop. 

“Zenny?” That was Maddie’s occasional nickname for me… Emily ignored my hesitance and pulled me close, kissing me. I closed. I could feel her in my arms. I saw my hands running through her long hair, and her reaching up to kiss my like Emily was. Emily took my hand and put it on her chest, whimpering as I touched her. It wasn’t Emily I wanted to kiss. 

“Hmm, Maddie,” I whispered, pulling her closer. “You’re so cute.”

“Emily,” the girl said, sounding annoyed. “My name is Emily.” I went back to kissing her again, with visions of someone else clouding my mind. She unbuttoned my shirt, kissing me. I was in another world, and the wall was the only thing keeping me from falling down. 

“Omg,” I heard a familiar voice say. 

“Madeline, be quiet. Didn’t you want him to hook up with someone? Don’t be so loud. You’ll ruin the mood.” I felt my senses snap back to reality, but my head was still spinning. I looked down at the girl who was running her hands through my hair. What was I doing? 

“Emily,” I said. “Stop.” She ignored me, and I gently pushed her off of me. “You seem like a nice person. Don’t do this.” 

“What? I thought you wanted…” 

“I don’t. Go - back to work or wherever it is you should be. You should be more careful.”I walked off, trying to button my shirt up, but struggling. 

“Zen, no!!!” Maddie drunkenly shouted at me as she saw me walking away. “Don’t tell me you messed things up with her.” I looked at her angrily. 

“Why did you let me do that?”

“What? There’s nothing wrong with it. You’re both adults.” I shook my head at her. “Zen, walk me home.” Zoey raised an eyebrow. “Zoey, it’s fine. I’ll see you around later, it was great catching up,” she laughed. Maddie was clearly drunk. “I need your help,” she said, looking up at me, leaning into me. Honestly, I wasn’t sure that I could be of much help to her. I was pretty drunk myself. My only hope was that neither of us would remember this tomorrow. “But first, you need mine.” I glanced at her as she reached across my chest and tried to finish clasping the buttons on my shirt, but she was totally failing and just ended up poking me a lot. I swatted her hand away. 

“Stop,” I said, looking at her seriously, before returning attention to her friend. “It was nice meeting you,” I muttered. Zoey walked off, and I could feel her eyes on us. Based on how Maddie was acting, she had legitimacy to be suspicious. 

“Where do you know her from?” 

“Zoey? She’s a friend from high school, but we kept in touch through college. I haven’t talked to her... in a while.” 

“You two seemed… friendly,” I said with a hiccup. “Wait, didn’t you go to high school in the US?”

“Yeah. We randomly both ended up studying abroad here. I’ve seen her instagram photos but we never managed to time thins correctly to meet up until now. She’s great. She told me the funniest story about a tinder date she had just gone on…” I could barely feel time passing. I listened to the soft sound of her voice, sharing so much with me. Why did she do it? Couldn’t she tell how I felt? Before long, we had gotten to Rika’s… well, now Maddie’s apartment. 

“Bye Zen!” She waved at me as she fumbled with the keypad. “Unless… are you tired? You can stay the night if you need to.” I shook my head at her in disbelief but felt compelled by her voice. She must have sensed my hesitation. “It’s fine, you can sleep on my couch. It’s no big. I never get to have people over… it was just recently that all the classified information was taken out of here, so I’ve never had a guest. Aside from Saeyoung, you’ll be the first other RFA member to spend the night here.” My eyes widened. I knew she genuinely didn’t mean anything other than a place to sleep so I wouldn’t have to cab home, but she really shouldn’t have been talking to me like this. I followed her inside. I knew that what was happening was wrong, but she looked so pretty… I just couldn’t tell her no when I was this drunk, and this late at night, when I was so wolfy. When she shut the door behind her, she was standing in front of me, looking vulnerable.

“Madeline! What are you doing? I’m a man. I’m not your boyfriend! Why did you invite me in here?”

“Ugh, we wouldn’t even been having this conversation if you had hooked up with that girl like I told you to. I don’t need to hear this right now.” She looked annoyed. 

“If you don't stop talking, I’m really going to take things the wrong way. That… physical intimacy you were encouraging me towards is something you should save for people you love. I hope you don’t take things so lightly. You don’t go around hooking up with people, do you? Because I don’t think Seven would like that very much.” I realized I had raised my voice at her.

“Zen. What is wrong with you? Of course. I don’t even hold hands with anyone but Sae-“ I shoved her against her door, silencing her words with a kiss. She immediately pushed me away. 

“Is this what you wanted?” I asked her, darkly. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” She snapped, looking pissed. I realized how badly I had messed up.

“I am a man, Maddie. You need to remember that.” Her face turned from dark to light, seeming to have already forgotten what had just happened, and she laughed.

“Zenny, you’re not a man to me. We talk about stuff like skin care and my relationship, and how relatable “Satisfied” from Hamilton was when Saeyoung was pushing me away. You like sweet coffee drinks and hate shots. You’re like a girlfriend to me.” I turned away from her. I felt like I had been stabbed. Thankfully, she was drunk enough that she wouldn’t remember this tomorrow, but I knew that I would… A girlfriend to her? The reason “Satisfied” was relatable to me… how could she not know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: I thought it would be fitting for Zen’s first chapter to end with musical theatre references. For context, the song “Satisfied” is about someone in love with her sister’s husband, and the unrequition which accompanies the situation. This is the song, if you’re interested:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0EqxnWxlvY
> 
> The lyrics in the summary are from the song “Eleven O’Clock,” which I think perfectly encapsulates Zen’s situation here. It’s another Broadway song. It’s the sort of song I can see Zen singing (I picture him being so good at vulnerability in his acting). You can listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPurILZi5LQ 
> 
> Please leave a review if you have any thoughts on the way Zen is being written!


	4. Confrontation and secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh little ghost, you see the pain  
> But together we can make something beautiful  
> So take my hand and perfectly,  
> We fill the gaps, you and me make three,  
> I was meant for you, and you for me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4: TW for self harm, suicidality, abuse, and sex

When Saeyoung came to my apartment, I answered the door as soon as he rang the bell. I was still shaken from the call from my parents, but didn't want anyone to see... what I had done, so I changed and was wearing a long sleeved dress. I thought I had masked the upset from earlier, after I made eye contact, I realized there was still something visible. I could have slapped myself when I saw the unhidden the crack on my phone, and of course Saeyoung had noticed. Not good. 

“Hey! I wasn’t expecting you. Are you surprising me with a trip to the space station?” My voice rang a little hollow, but the attempt was there. 

“No.” His voice was alarmingly serious.

“What? Are you going to tell me I’ve developed a new allergy to cranberry juice? I’m not Yoosung, so I’m not gullible enough to believe it, but I would be happy to play along if the end goal is intimate resuscitation.” I winked at him. 

“We need to talk.” He was almost never like this, and I started to get nervous. How could he have found out? My personal problems… my family, my self-harm, and my depression, were all things that I wanted to keep under wraps. At least for now. He had enough on his plate. 

“I’m not going to hear anymore of it. I don’t care what new danger has presented itself. You aren’t going to push me away again.” My abandonment issues had been inflamed more than a little bit when he had pushed me away. But I would never tell him the effect he’d had on me.

“What? That’s not what I’m here about.”

“It better not be.” He reached out to take my hand, but I flinched away. I didn’t want him to see my wrists.

“I don’t have any secrets from you. I thought… you were the same.”

“I am,” I said. He shook his head.

“I was watching the CCTV.” I frowned at him. 

“If you were going to do that, you should have told me. I would have at least worn something… a little more sexy. I know which angles the camera captures in here.”

“I know I’m not supposed to do it anymore, but I was supposed to spend the night working and really just needed to see you. I expected to see you knitting, reading, or planning the next RFA party. But that’s not what I saw… It was you… with blood on your wrists, crying. You were folded in half, curled up on the couch, looking so lonely that you seemed to think you were the only person alive. I felt like I had been dowsed in a bucket of cold water.” I sighed. “I couldn’t stand to see you like that, Maddie. So I got in my car and went way over the speed limit to get here. Why did you do it? Why did you hurt yourself?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” I turned around and tried to pull the door shut behind me, but he forced it open and followed me inside. I could see the pain radiating through his whole body and tried to resist the urge to cry. I had already done enough wrong… now I was going to hurt him, too? 

“Why won’t you talk to me?” I looked down, and his face paled.

“Do you do this… because of me?” I felt like I was being ripped apart inside. How could he think it was his fault? “Is this because… I told you I didn’t care about your feelings? I told you to leave me alone?!” I shook my head, but I could tell he didn’t believe me. “I knew… I knew I had to keep you away from me. That I was dangerous. But I thought that once Saeran wasn’t targeting us anymore, and Mint Eye and the Agency had been stopped, that you would be safe. But I did this to you. I’m worthless.” He looked shattered. I turned away from him so that he couldn’t see the tears in my eyes.

“Seven…”

“Don’t call me that!” He shouted, and I flinched. When I looked back at him, he ran his hand through his hair. His hands were shaking. “See? I’m no good for you. You should forget me… I made you feel this way.” 

“Saeyoung. This isn’t about you.” It wasn’t a lie. Although his words had wounded me, I had been made breakable long before I ever knew him. And it had been weeks since the arguments we'd had while he sat here, on his computer, typing. I had spent almost every night with him, in the hospital, while he waiting for Saeran. And since Saeran had moved back in with him, we had been thick as thieves. He slept over almost every night. I was pretty much past all that. Our relationship should have been strong. Why did it seem so fragile, now? 

“I hurt you. I hurt you when you were already hurting. I… I knew I was filth. Saeran… You… All I have ever done is break people.”

“If you think I’m broken, make me better,” I whispered. 

“I can’t. I can’t help you. I can’t help anyone.” His expression was desolate. 

“Saeyoung… kiss me. Please. Make me forget.” Saeyoung wasn’t the cause of my depression, but he could distract me. At a time like this, what I needed most was busy hands, so that I didn’t have to notice the itch I got in my wrists when I felt ashamed, and I definitely felt that way now. I should have been more careful. Saeyoung was already shaky right now. Things with Saeran were on the mend, but his brother was still wary of being loved… as was I. I resisted the urge to smack myself when I considered the self-doubt this would cause him.

“What? How could that make you forget me?”

“Because it’s not you I’m trying to erase.” The heaviness of my life was weighing me down. All of the people who had chipped away at my heart and soul… even my body. I could hear the sound of the slap on my face from my father. I could sense my mother’s disappointment, inter-mixed with guilt that she wasn’t able to stop him. I would always have remnants of James on me - the marks on my neck, the scar… This was what I had to live with. Every single day. For so long, I couldn’t ever let anyone get close, or they would see how broken I was, and how little it took to hurt me. But Saeyoung was like me. Watery eyes and an ephemeral but blinding smile. I had never met anyone who could understand, and I had thought I never would, but once we got closer, I started getting nervous. RFA was a twinkling light in an otherwise bleak life. If I told him the truth now, we would stop having moments like we did in the shower. He wouldn’t smile after waking me up from a nightmare. All of our interactions would be laced with worry, but I wanted to keep them pure. Saeyoung was the only person who had the potential to understand me, but he seemed to like because I was different from him. Because I supported him, and I made him lighter. I was so scared he would realize how worthless I was when he saw that I wasn't light, like he had thought. 

“Saeyoung, I don’t want to think anymore.” He shook his head. He had to know what I was asking.

“Are you asking me if I want to get drunk? Because I don’t exactly think that’s the best idea right now.” 

“You’re sweet.”

“I’m not, but thanks for saying it.”

“I don’t want to drink… I want you to throw me against a wall. Make me forget everything I have ever been. Even if I don’t survive another week, trapped in my own mind, I want to give you all of me right now” 

“What do you mean, ‘survive another week?’ Is there a risk of that not happening? Because I have already locked one emotionally disturbed genius in my bunker, and I am totally willing to do so again.” I looked away. “The most important thing is that you’re alive. Please. I did so much to make sure you survived.” He glanced down at his arm and its scar. 

“We match,” I said, showing him my wrist, which was freshly cut, and still had the scar from before, laughing darkly. Saeyoung screwed up his face in pain. I knew this had to hurt him. I had never been like this before with him, and it hurt more than he could have imagined. He was used to me being open and vulnerable, and I could tell the change scared him.

“I don’t know how, but I did something wrong. I failed you.”

“Please. If you want me to be okay, distract me.” My face was flushed. 

“How?” I sighed.

“I want you to fuck me.” He looked conflicted.

“Maddie… are you sure? I always want you, but you seem upset…”

“I’m sure.” I reached towards him, yanking on his hoodie sleeve. “Take this off.” His hands were shaking, but he did as I asked. “Be rough with me. I need it.” I saw the look in his eyes turn to steel as he realized that the gravity of my request. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me against the wall. He reached to grab my arms above my head, but paused as he saw the cuts on them. He shook his head and pinned his body against mine, kissing me deeply. He grabbed my leg and hitched it over his hip, pressing himself against me. I could feel the hardness pressed against my thighs and bit my lip in anticipation. He paused when he reached to take off my shirt. 

“Don’t stop,” I whispered. I could still feel hands on my throat, and they weren’t his, but when Saeyoung’s skin brushed mine, they vanished. I needed him… to touch every part of me, to make them disappear. I pulled his t-shirt off and he used one hand to unbutton my top, while the other was gripping my leg. Even in my despair, I felt something flutter in my chest when I thought of his hacker hands. 

“Hurry up,” I whispered, letting down my leg and dropping my underwear to the ground. He sighed and unbuckled his pants, before grabbing my leg back up and thrusting himself inside of me. He leaned to kiss me and bit my when I kissed him back. He trailed his lips across my face and I gasped as he softly sucked on my neck. Every place where our skin touched, sparks few, burning up my veins.

I had never been fucked like this before. If it were anyone else, I would fear being dropped, but Saeyoung was surprisingly muscular from his agent training. My hands tangled in his hair, and when I heard him gasp, my eyes squeezed shut in bliss. His fingers caressed my chest, and pleasure was building inside of me. This would help me. At least for a little bit. There was nothing like an orgasm to help quiet my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a review if you like what you’ve read, or if even if you don't! I would love to have feedback. The song in the summary is “Strange Birds,” by Birdy.  
> To listen, click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx1FL24UGfE


	5. Confrontation and coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You were a vision in the morning when the light came through.  
> I know I’ve only felt religion when i’ve lied with you.  
> You said you’ll never be forgiven till your boys are, too.  
> And I’m still waking every morning but it’s not with you.
> 
> You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise.  
> You’re spilling like an overflowing sink.  
> You’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a masterpiece,  
> And now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter five! CW for depression and references to sex and self harm.

A week had passed since Saeyoung had visited my home unannounced. After we both finished, he left without saying anything. He seemed ashamed, and I felt guilty. It wasn’t long before the rest of the RFA noticed the conspicuous lack of flirting - or any interaction at all between the two of us in the messenger. Unsurprisingly, Zen texted me. 

Zen: “Maddie, what are you doing this afternoon?”  
Madeline: “Nothing.” I would usually work in something a little more clever, but I was emotionally drained and didn’t think it would substantially change Zen’s opinion of me.   
Zen: “Let’s get coffee.” He wasn’t asking. And I was lonely. Zen was like a light. Our conversations may have leaned towards insubstantiality, but his darkest moments were fluff compared to mine, and I could rely on him for a distraction at the very least. 

 

Zen arrived early, and he looked at peace. It was the Summer, so he wasn’t dressed in a long coat, like he was in his profile pictures. Instead, he was casual, wearing just a white button down and jeans. He was looking dreamily at a paper, and a faint smile danced on his face as he leaned back in his chair, casually sipping a painfully saccharine looking coffee drink. His eyes were twinkling at a particular newspaper article - one undoubtedly about himself, and he didn’t notice I had arrived until I said his name. He glanced up at me and tried to hide his surprise. I knew that I didn’t look like myself. My eyes were dark and swollen from crying, my hair was unbrushed, and I was wearing a ratty, long sleeved sweater in the middle of Summer. Zen got up from his seat and gave me a hug. I didn’t hug him back, and instead, just stood there limply, trying to communicate my discomfort. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I just want you to know that no matter what you’re going through, the rest of RFA will still love you. I don’t know what he has done, but I can make you happy if he isn’t.” I pushed him away. 

“What the hell?”

“Oh. Did I misinterpret? If he needs some tips on how to treat a woman well, I am also very happy to provide those.” I had a nagging feeling, when he said this, that something was false about his claim. I looked at him suspiciously, trying to decode this intuition, but I couldn’t remember a thing. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I looked away. I had expected this to be at least a little more subtle, but that wasn't Zen’s specialty, so I probably should have known better. I coughed obviously in an attempt to change the subject.

“So. How is the new show you’re in going?”

“I think it’s some of the best work I’ve ever done,” he said, his face glowing momentarily. “But I didn’t ask you to coffee to talk about me…” 

“You didn’t ask. Whatever you think you know, you aren’t right.” 

“I don’t think I know anything. But we’re all worried about you and Seven.” 

“You don’t need to be worried. Everything is fine.” Zen sighed.

“Everything is very clearly NOT FINE,” he snapped. 

“Wait - did he say something to you?” My eyes opened widely for a moment.

“Huh? No. Nothing.”

“Did something happen?”

“Can I talk to you, with no judgements?”

“Well, I promise not to judge you, Maddie. I only worry. I hope you’ve been keeping your guard up around him. He’s still a guy, you know.”

“Oh my god. That is so sexually infantilizing. Like, seriously? We're in a relationship. Physical intimacy is normal - and even if we weren't, I can make the choices I want with my body. I don’t need to hear about how ‘all men are wolves or beasts’ or whatever ever again. The gender binary is stupid. So please stop trying to force it down my throat,” I said, exasperated. This was something that had annoyed me for a long time, but with the family problems and tensions with Saeyoung being high, it didn’t take much for me to snap. Zen looked shocked.

“Maddie, who knew you were so into sex positivity?”

“Um. You probably should have.” 

“I just thought, with the whole ‘God Seven’ thing, that you just weren’t really that woke about gender.”

“Zen. Do some reading about choice feminism and we can have this conversation again.” He nodded. 

“I have - a little.” He looked guilty. 

“While I’m pleasantly surprised, I have no idea how you can talk the way that you do having had even minor exposure to gender equality messaging.” 

“Projecting that kind of masculinity is good for my brand.” I stared at him blankly. “Brand is what I market myself as for acting. People like to see me be tough, but vulnerable and protective. I know it isn’t ideal, though. A while ago - I’m not sure if you heard about this - a singer named Echo Girl accused me of sexually harassing her. There were a lot of people who told me I didn’t know anything about women’s rights. And, although I never touched or said anything to Echo Girl, I realized that they were right. So I started reading.” I smiled meekly at him.

“What happened? And you definitely don’t have to worry about your brand in the RFA chat or our friendship.” 

“Well,” he smiled sadly. “Seven actually helped to dispel a lot of the rumors. His Tripter bot is alarmingly affective. It tweeted #Zen’sTruth about a million times in ten minutes, and it started immediately trending. I did a livestream explaining what had happened to me, and most of the press died down. Now, almost everyone has forgotten about it.”

“While I’m happy to talk about gender empowerment with you, I don’t think you’re going to stay on track.”

“No. Another time? We have something serious to talk about, and I have rehearsal in 45 minutes.” I scowled. “Come on. Don’t tell me I didn’t earn any points.”

“Being a decent human shouldn’t earn you points.”

“Fair. But please, Maddie. I care about you. Talk to me.” He wasn’t going to let this go, and it occurred to me that he was just the first string in what was certain to be a barrage of interrogation from every member of RFA. That would just lead to more build up, drama, and expectations. I could see Yoosung’s pain when he heard, hear Jaehee’s concern, and sense Jumin’s overt discomfort at discussing something so deeply personal. I could just hear it now. “Well, crying during sex isn’t very logical. Isn’t it supposed to be pleasurable?” Yeah. I did not want to deal with that. Of a host of painful options, telling a version of the truth to Zen seemed to be the best. 

“He and I had sex last week… It was different from usual.” Pain flickered momentarily across Zen’s face, but it was gone before I could try to understand why.

“Was it… okay? Was he gentle with you? What was different?”

“Um… I was crying. We had talked about some heavy stuff before.” Well, talked was a bit of an understatement. “We had an argument. But yeah, it was great. He just… hasn't spoken to me since.”

“I mean, he always has been a bit of an alien… It’s not surprising that he isn’t up to task-“ He paused when he saw my disbelief. “Wait… how did you say it was?”

“What do you mean by ‘not up to task?’ He was perfect… like always,” the last few words were under my breath. Zen looked startled and a little sick. “Zen, don’t look at me like that. You asked.” 

“Well. Okay, then. I mean, I guess it makes sense… Seven may be weird, but he was a secret agent… and he does spend like 90% of his time typing - he must be great at-“ I glared at him. He was caught off guard by the conversation and rambling. He had clearly said something he hadn’t meant to and was trying move on or distract me. “Um, well, I guess his stamina-“

“Oh my god, Zen. How much do you want to know?” His mouth was hanging slightly open, and his eyes were wide. “Yes, great hands, amazing stamina, incredibly thorough. I don’t know why this line of questioning is occurring, because I’m quite certain you don’t want to hear about my sex life. And you missed the important part: I haven’t heard from him.” I tried to soften the edge in my voice, but the whole thing was more than a bit awkward.

“The distance seems unlike him, though. He adores you. Sorry, did you say crying?” I had never seen his this flustered. “Why were you crying? You don’t look well. Have you eaten? I can brush you hair, if you want. It’s really, really soft, so I wouldn’t mind at all. I’m really good at doing hair, because mine is so long… and perfect.” He stopped talking when he saw the look on my face. 

Was I ready to tell Zen the truth about my struggles? More than any RFA member, since Saeran had come back to stay with Saeyoung, Zen had been there for me… He had waited with me in the hospital waiting room when Saeyoung couldn't leave his brother’s side. He had listened to my sorrowful phone calls when I worried that we would never be able to have a relationship. And he was always down for a spa visit whenever things got too tense (although I did have to convince him not to go naked in the co-gender sauna - there were families which went in there!). Yeah, Zen had been a G. After he stuck with me through all of that, I could trust him with a hair of the truth. Unlike with my boyfriend, I wasn’t scared of Zen leaving me. He had seen me at my messiest when I was dealing with everything the ‘Unknown’ situation had put me through, and had no illusions about the kind of person I was. Besides, he was a lot less messy himself, and had known Saeyoung longer than I had. Maybe he could help me to understand how to work through this with him. My boyfriend had seen me cut myself, so there wasn’t really an option to return to normalcy, and fixing things with him was my number one priority. Having Zen know some of my lesser secrets was a small cost to pay… And I was sure that no one else would hear from him. The tip of the story would be enough. 

“You can’t tell anyone else.” 

“Of course not.” I pulled up the sleeve of my sweater. Zen looked pained again, but this time, the expression stayed. His brow furrowed and it looked like tears were pooling in his eyes. I probably could have handled the issue more sensitively, but I was really fucking tired. The argument with Saeyoung kept playing through my head. Even though he had been able to calm me down - in the short term - I still had my memories eating away at me, and I had one more burden now. I could only imagine how nervous he must be at the moment and felt appalled with myself for worrying him. He already had so many burdens. I should have been clearer with him about the fact that none of this was his fault. 

“What happened to you? Did you try to-“

“No. I just hated myself. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t deal anymore.”

“With him?” 

“No. Zen, I have a complicated history. I’m more like him than you know. I… am also depressed.” 

“What?” Zen looked shocked. “Why?”

“I mean, the standard, right? Chemical imbalance, fucked up family.” Abusive ex-boyfriend certainly belonged on the list, but that was something I would take to my grave.

“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone?”

“Honestly? I didn’t want to let you all know I was broken.” Zen reached across the table and took my hand.

“Maddie, you aren’t broken. We’ve all had struggles. I will be there for you. I will help you overcome them. Whatever it takes. I know Seven will be too,” he said, almost as an afterthought. “But you just need to talk to him.” He glanced at his hand and pulled it away. 

“He hasn’t texted or called me,” I said ruefully. “Or even come over.” 

“A relationship is a two-way street. Have you reached out to him?”

“No.” 

“I’m staging an intervention. This is.… God, I can’t believe it.” 

“Don’t you have rehearsal?”

“I can call in sick. Don't worry, I’ve never missed one before. I won’t be in trouble.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more about Zen's mindset here will be explained in the next chapter. The summary song (Colors by Halsey) describes Maddie’s fears about what will happen with Saeyoung. If you want to listen, click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGulAZnnTKA
> 
> Please review if you have any thoughts!


	6. Zen's soliloquy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There either weren't words, or there were too many. Zen didn't know which.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6: TW References to self harm, suicide, and sex
> 
> As you can see, this chapter doesn't have a summary - Zen is a deeply emotional person, and I couldn't find the right lyrics to express what he was feeling here, but I think this song gets it pretty well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBNEsK_z6s4

My lungs were closed. The marks on Maddie's arm had stolen my breath. Maddie. Beautiful, soulful, funny Maddie had cut herself. What did that mean? I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of something sharp on her perfect skin. I couldn't stomach what the marks might symbolize. A world without Maddie... In the time that I had known her, she had become the center of mine. When something happened, she was the person I texted. When I was hurting over a rejection, it was Maddie that took my call and told me that I would one day "beat the acting game" and would never have to worry about not working again. Without her, I would reach for my phone, and it would be as though it was broken, or even not there at all. I would lose my friend, my confidante, and my soulmate... Even if I wasn't the recipient of her 'good night texts,' I couldn't fathom not being someone who sent them to her... or not being able send my selfies to her first before posting them. My eyes felt blinded by tears pooling in them, and I had no idea what to say... or what to do... 

Acting was easy. I would read my lines, study my characters, and then I would become them. My instructions and my role were clear. I had always had problems with authority figures, but something about knowing exactly what path to take and where to go was incredibly comforting. I ached for my career more than anything... until I met her. So I did what I had to - I took background roles in the chorus, I stayed late and arrived early, and I camped out for hours, waiting in lines for auditions. But unlike acting, this wasn't clear anymore, and I no longer had any idea what role I was supposed to play in her life. I couldn't even look at her mouth without conflicted feelings. When I thought touching her, I felt disgusted with myself for the way I had acted that night after the bar. Maddie had given no indication that she remembered happened, but somehow, that made me feel even worse. The real reason I had started reading about feminism was to try to assuage my guilt over the incident and learn to do better. That, and a female co-worker wanted me to help her find a producer for The Vagina Monologues, and I had to do some background research to even know where to begin. Even with that, though, I had instincts - some things, about men, and the respectful way to treat women… just seemed true to me. How was I supposed to reconcile that? How could I come to a conclusion when my conscience and my background told me one thing, but Maddie, and what I read, told me something else? How was I supposed to react to this? Well, I know for sure how I wasn't: asking uncomfortable questions about her sex life. The situation was just so awkward, and I was so nervous, that I found myself utterly floundering and confused. 

But why was I doing this? Why was I calling Vanderwood? Missing rehearsal to help the girl I lo- well, to help Madeline with her boyfriend problems? It was crazy. I should have just let the relationship self-destruct. Neither of them was exactly stable. With a few pushes in the right direction, I was sure I could mess things up. That’s what someone like Jumin would have done. The smart thing, but the dick thing. I hated people like the trust fund jerk, who used their advantages to fuck over others, and I was privileged to be able to have the amount of happiness and safety that I did. But… was the key to winning her heart in ruthlessness? In getting him out of the way? Maybe she liked the dangerous part of him, and I could tap into it somehow? I internally shook my head. I couldn’t believe that. Seven wasn’t like that… he was just… meme-y and emo… Neither of which were particularly good looks on me. He was also my caring and supportive friend. I felt flashes of guilt for even thinking like that. He was as unique as she was. I may be an actor, but there was no way I could ever come close to mimicking their connection.

In this situation, I wouldn’t get a happy ending. I didn’t want Seven to be hurt, and losing her would undoubtedly break him, given that he was already substantially cracked. I didn’t want Maddie to be sad. I could tell how much she needed him. He could do things for her that I would never be able to. Understanding the darkness in her expression was something I almost felt blessed to lack the capacity for. I didn’t want them to split up. I just wanted her to have always loved me. Always chosen me. If we could start over… if I had a chance to do it again, everything would be different. In another world, I was sure that Maddie and I were deeply in love. It just hurt me that it wasn’t this world. 

So when Maddie looked at me, her wide eyes full of tears, I became utterly weak. She was watching me expectantly, and I felt both pangs of anger and butterflies. Even though she had been unwilling to make a decision on her on her own, now that someone else had offered to reach out to him, it was clear she was aching for it. I would do anything to make her smile again, even if it was against what someone like Jumin would say were my best interests. Even if my first response was to tell her to forget him, and ask her to go to the nicest restaurant in town with me. Even if I wanted to sweep her away for a movie marathon at my place. Even if I wanted to be the person to hold her close while she was crying. None of that was for me, and I needed to accept it - now, more than ever. I would be there for her, no matter what. Expecting her to love me back was selfish, and this was not about me. If the counter-factual was a world without Maddie, she could yell at me, push me, and even love someone else.

So I dialed up Vanderwood. I was almost certain that he was who Seven was confiding to right now, and he was usually no-nonsense enough to be reasoned with about this sort of thing. Saeran, on the other hand… well, he was related to Seven for a reason. If I called him, I would get secrecy, angst, and possibly trolling. Seven wouldn’t pick up. As I told Vanderwood my plan, he sounded relieved to hear my voice. There was a stone in my stomach and a simultaneous burst of relief. As usual, with Maddie, I felt ripped apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was the first one I've written thus far which was just an internal monologue (no dialogue). I'm not sure about writing more chapters in this format. It's definitely harder, but I think it really gives unique insight into the character's mind. Thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts, please review!


	7. Never without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're the perfect melody:  
> The only harmony I wanna hear.  
> You're my favourite part of me.  
> With you standing next to me,  
> I've got nothing to fear."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7! CW: References to self-harm, suicidality, and mild sex allusions. The song included in the summary (and at the end of the chapter) is "Sad Song" by We the Kings. I think listening it, while reading, after the story mentions the music shifting to ballads would very much enhance the experience, because I think it's really illustrative of how much Madeline and Saeyoung really need each other. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZsXcc_tC-o

“No. I don’t want to bother her. She’ll talk to me when she’s ready… If ever. For now, I just need to live with my actions,” I said, hanging my head in shame. Vanderwood looked un-amused. I was terrified of how Maddie might feel right now. Like her privacy had been invaded? Like I didn’t accept her? I loved cats, and Shrödinger’s was no exception. Until I handled the issue, it went both well and poorly, meaning that I could suspend and avoid possible suffering at how it would resolve. For now, at least. 

The regret was overwhelming. Rather than having sex with her, I should have made sure that she felt like she wasn’t broken. I should have told her that she was loved, and that I would cherish her no matter what she did. Instead, I didn’t say the right thing. I had asked her questions and yelled and fucked her against the wall. It seemed wrong, especially since it was all my fault. I was used to accepting the fact that I was worthless. The hollow feeling inside of me wasn’t new, but I hadn’t experienced it in a while, so the places where I felt my heart had been ripped out were especially raw. In the past week, I had felt myself settling into the darkness that I was so familiar with. But now, my friend wouldn’t stop nagging me. I tried to silence Vanderwood by sending waves of irritation in his direction. 

“I have Zen on the phone. Am I going to have to carry you there?”

“You can’t.”

“I’m taller than you.” 

“And I’ll help,” Saeran said, grimly. He was sitting on the couch, quietly enough that any other person wouldn't have noticed. But I always knew where my brother was. I had lost him once, and I didn’t plan on ever letting him go again. 

“You guys don’t know what happened.”

“You’re right,” said Vanderwood. “So you need to go talk to her about it.” I didn’t move. “God. It was this hard when working for the agency, but I never thought it would be this hard motivating you to go see your own damn girlfriend.”

“I want to respect her space.”

“Is that why you've been watching the CCTV?” My brother asked. He was right, but it wasn’t like I was enjoying it. When I saw her hurt herself, it was as painful as if they were cuts on my own body.

“Um. Well… Yeah… Fair.” 

“Come. On. Seven. We’re leaving,” said Vanderwood. “Unless you would rather I drive?” My eyes practically bugged out of my head. Vanderwood was a good driver, but I understood the threat in his voice. I wracked my brain and decided that they were right - Zen wouldn’t be calling unless he spoke to her. 

“Okay - 707 to the babe cars,” I said tiredly. “Defender of fucking up everything that I do.” 

“Don’t be so self-deprecating.”

“Goodbye, Saeran,” I said, going over to my brother to give his shoulder a friendly squeeze before leaving.

“Tell Maddie I said ‘hello.’”

“One of these days, you’re going to go for a ride with me.”

“Sure,” Saeran said simply. I worried, however, that it would be later, rather than sooner. Since his time back with me, he had gotten into video games. Obsessively into them. He barely left the house, and spent way too much time messaging Yoosung about LOLOL. He was barely an acquaintance to the rest of RFA and wasn’t making any effort to change that. I found this more than a little concerning, but was willing to give Saeran some rope, given that he was no longer trying to hang either of us.

I walked with Vanderwood to the garage in silence, lagging as I looked at each of the cars. Our footsteps were echoing, and the I could feel my friend’s judgement pulsing towards me.

“Hop to.” I didn’t say anything. “God damnit, Seven. People are waiting for us. Hurry up.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

When I got to the coffee shop, things were already awkward. Madeline was fiddling with her phone, avoiding eye-contact, and Zen seemed to be in the middle of some sort of a phone interview.

“Is there someone special in my life?” He glanced at Maddie briefly. “Well, maybe. But I haven’t told her how I feel. No, I don’t plan on it.” Even though my girlfriend had no idea of Zen’s feelings, they were abundantly clear to me and probably the rest of RFA… and the world, as well. I had faith that he would never say anything. He cared too much about Madeline to risk their friendship or to try to damage our relationship, especially given that she was in such an emotionally vulnerable place right now. And, despite everything, I think he cared about me too... At least the converse was true.

“Earth to Zen,” I said. Zen held up an impatient finger, and quickly finished the conversation. When Madeline looked up at me, I felt a jolt in my stomach.

“How have you been?” She asked, tension in her face. She really had to be nervous if she was resorting to small-talk.

“God Seven never gets bored!” She looked at me with concern. After everything that we’d been through, she could tell the difference between the schtick and reality. “Honestly? Lonely. I want us to be the happiest couple alive… I don’t like being apart.” 

“Me too,” she said, a crack in her voice.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“No, we shouldn’t. We’re two halves of a set. We may be shattered inside, but we should make each other stronger. Not let the baggage tear us apart. So, I’m sorry,” said Madeline. “I’m sorry for reacting with so much vitriol. I was in a very bad place and didn't feel in control.”

“I’m sorry for not trusting you. I’m sorry for not trusting myself. This happiness we have, it feels ephemeral. And when you told me that, I could already feel it slipping away. I tried to hold onto it, but it already seemed to have disappeared. And there was so much we’ve never done together. So many adventures I ache to share. Can you make a promise for me?”

“Maybe.”

“Please, stay alive. I can’t stand to lose you. It would destroy me. So please, if you care about me at all, stay alive, and if you can stand it, stay with me.” I could feel Zen’s eyes on our intimate moment and felt uncomfortable. Vanderwood had gone to get coffee, thankfully. 

“I can’t just stand it,” she said, “I need it. And Saeyoung? Our happiness isn’t slipping away. It’s just getting started, and it’s something we will always have.” My chest ached. I wanted what she was saying to be true so badly. Zen looked away, refusing to meet either of our eyes. 

“We have some talking to do. Can we go back to your place and try to sort things out?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I take you for a ride?”

“Oh, please.” She could hear the double entendre in my voice and sounded intrigued in more. I held her hand and helped her out of her chair, and pulled her close.

“I’m so glad to touch you again,” I said quietly.

“Me too,” she whispered. “I also love touching myself and am glad to do it again.” I raised an eyebrow. “Of course, I would rather have you do it,” she whispered, breathing softly into my ear and sneaking a kiss on my cheek. I took her hand and walked towards the car, and I felt our friend’s eyes on us as we walked away. He was probably deconstructing every moment and every touch. I opened the door for her, touching her lower back to help her in, and she grinned back at me after shutting it. The ride home was a drift. My mind was buzzing and I was sure hers was as well. However, when we arrived, it became clear that I had not thought things through.

Her neighbors gawked at the sight of me. I usually took one of my less conspicuous cars for visits, but I had needed this particular babe to give me strength as I went to talk to her for the first time in a week. She didn’t seem concerned by this, though, so I tried to push the thoughts aside. I unlocked her door and followed her inside.

“Before we get to anything else,” I said. “I'd like you to plug this into your speakers.” I handed her my phone with a playlist showing. “I want to dance with you, my love.” The music began upbeat, and Madeline grabbed my hands, bopping to the rhythm, jumping around, and shaking her hips. When she did that, I wanted to throw her over my shoulder and into the bedroom... Or, maybe not necessarily the bedroom, but I wanted to do bedroom-y things. I muttered a command to my phone, and the music shifted to ballads and lower-tempo songs. She melted into my arms, dancing in a slow, steady rhythm, as I rubbed my hands up and down her back, comforting her and pulling her close. I could feel her heartbeat, and mine returning its call, as they beat nearly in synch. Maddie smelled so ridiculously good, all the time. Her skin was so smooth, and her hair was so silky. When I was holding her like this, I just wanted to melt into her. Not talking to Maddie had stung, and that was more obvious to me at the time, but I didn't realize until now how much I had missed her warmth... missed touching her. When she reached out and we laced fingers, and I felt her breath on my neck, it was as though a piece of me had been gone, and I was finally whole again. 

“Why didn't you talk to me?” She asked, eyes meeting mine. 

“I thought you didn’t want to hear from me. I was so scared of messing up, or doing the wrong thing.” 

“I love you. There is no wrong thing,” she said, leaning forward to kiss me. I pulled away, looking at her in disbelief. “When I said I would always be beside you, I meant it. 100%,” she whispered.

“You can’t promise that,” I said nervously. “That’s what people do. They promise to always love you, and then they realize… everything which is wrong with you, and leave.”

“I won’t. What can I do to convince you?”

“I don’t just mean leave by breaking up, Madeline.” I had thought that the worry of Madeline dying was something I wouldn’t have to deal with anymore. But her words had opened up a can of worms, and anxiety was popping into my mind at every moment. What if I said the wrong thing? What if I hurt her? A life without Maddie… especially knowing that I was responsible for it, would wreck me. When she realized what I meant, she sighed and squeezed her eyes shut.

“I wouldn’t… couldn’t ever do that to you.” 

“That’s not what you said the other day.” I looked at her pleadingly. It had been a while since I had been this needy with her. I didn’t like it. I was working hard to sew up the gaping wounds that had been left in my heart. Some were there since childhood, others opened up when I began to fall for her, and realized she had been missing my whole life, and I had been totally ripped open once I realized that Saeran hadn't been happy, and free, as I was promised, but suffering and hating me. Despite the work I had done on mending, some of holes were still there, but I didn't want her to see. I wanted to seem strong to her, especially now. 

“I was not in a good place the other day.”

“What happened?” 

“I got a call… from my parents. They want me to come home.” I felt like I had been hit. Another avenue for suffering: Maddie going back to the US. 

“Are you going?”

“No. My parents have ruined so much for me. They won’t wreck something else, too. I won’t leave… the love of my life.” She murmured the last few words, but they made my heart race and sent jolts of pleasure through my whole body. I was so lucky to have someone who cared for me so much. It was almost enough to distract from what I had just heard. “I won’t leave RFA. They think I’m a failure… and they are right. I spent a whole semester and most of this summer here, and I have no good job and a mediocre GPA. The only thing I have done right is RFA, and my parents aren’t exactly thrilled with charity work. They’re fucking psychopaths.” Tears pricked at her eyes, and Maddie looked at me. I was gazing back at her, earnestly before shifting my expression to faux-shock. 

“The only thing you’ve done right?” I gasped and put my hands on my cheeks in disbelief. “What am I, then?” 

“On lists of what I’ve done, I wasn’t counting you as a thing.” She grinned at me cheekily but she was distracted, looking off into the distance. Something else was playing in her mind, 

“Madeline,” I sighed. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” She tried to make eye contact, but I looked away. I had conflicted feelings about hearing that from her. On one hand, I felt joy, tied to my heart. It was like a balloon, trying to pull me above the clouds. At the same time, it made me wonder what I had done to deserve her. And I couldn’t help but think that I didn’t. Now, this problem with her parents, which she hadn’t told me about until now, was looming above. Storm clouds were threatening to pop my balloon, threatening to leave me alone and smashing into the ground. 

“I bet your parents wouldn’t approve of me.” I could picture it now. I would meet her folks and my sweet Maddie would be yanked away back home. She grimaced.

“Probably not. They don’t approve of like, a life that doesn't revolve around investment banking. Since yours doesn’t, there would be more than a few questions. But it’s not like you don’t have marketable skills.” She cringed. “Yeah, I’m sure they’d be trying to push your coding into the corporate sector in no time.” 

“They’re important to you?”

“I mean, it’s complicated. They’re my parents. So there’s a certain level of pre-requisite love, but I don’t have a very good relationship with them.” She looked away, face darkening. “I wish it was different. They were the first people who made me feel worthless…” They would see right through any attempt I made to be a proper boyfriend. One who was emotionally normal and baggage free - that was what Maddie deserved. I would always feel guilty for our relationship. I was selfish to want her for myself, when there was definitely someone out there who was better than me. Many someones, even, who were far more deserving. Her parents would undoubtedly see the same thing. The idea of someone with Madeline’s eyes looking at me with disregard, and someone with a voice like hers telling me off… hurt. 

“They would be right about me. I’ll try to be good enough for you, but I’m just… not. But this isn’t about me. Maddie, why are they still in your life?” 

“Huh? They’re my parents. But seriously, Sae, you are more than good enough for me.”

“Forget about them. They suck. The bonds we build by love and empathy are worth so much more than blood…” I thought of my own parents. 

“I’m reliant on them.”

“You don’t need to be. I see an unjustice here… and 707 AGENT OF JUSTICE will definitely be intervening on your behalf.” She rolled her eyes.

“You’re cute. I meant I’m reliant on them financially.”

“I can take care of you. Other people in RFA can.” She looked down, ashamed. 

“I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel like I’m getting charity… fulfilling RFA’s mission by taking advantage of its members.”

“But you are my girlfriend. We should move in, together. You could save money that way.”

“It wouldn’t solve tuition, though… and I can’t move in with you.”

“What? Why?”

“Things are still unstable with Saeran. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire.”

“What? He adores you.”

“Really?” 

“Of course! He picked you, remember? And for that, I am eternally grateful.” 

“I never thought about it like that. I thought it was just random.” 

“Nope. He thought you were cute, smart, and kind. The perfect person to charm anyone in RFA into vulnerability… And with all that sass… especially perfect for me. Honestly, maybe you shouldn’t. I don’t want to have to worry about him stealing you away from me.” I thought of Zen’s eyes on us, and how relaxed she had always been with him. That she had gone to him about a problem in our relationship. No, Saeran definitely wasn't a primary threat in that regard. 

“Saeyoung. My life is fucked up. I’m fucked up. I feel like I am a ship being thrown around in a storm. But even as the weather changes, I know that I have someone I can always rely on.” 

“I know you and Zen have gotten close lately,” I said, without an ounce of seriousness. I knew what she meant, but I really want to hear her say it. “But I didn’t realize-“ 

“Stop talking,” she said, and kissed me. “I meant you. I won’t ever be want they want… but I can be what you want. And that’s enough.” I frowned. This seemed wrong to me. Why was she thinking about being what I wanted?

“I don’t want you to be anything, Madeline. Other than mine.”

“I think I can manage.” She smiled back at me. We stood, looking at each other’s faces. I didn't know this at the time, but we were both thinking the same thing: how the other had saved them, and both thinking we would never be good enough. She couldn’t have been more wrong. The apartment was silent, other than the lyrics, wafting through her speakers.

“Without you, I feel broke  
Like I'm half of a whole  
Without you, I've got no hand to hold  
Without you, I feel torn  
Like a sail in a storm  
Without you, I'm just a sad song,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you have any thoughts, please review!


	8. Cuter than Elly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Light reflects from your shadow.  
> It is more than I thought could exist.  
> You move through the room,  
> Like breathing was easy.  
> If someone believed me,  
> They would be  
> As in love with you as I am"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8! TW for sexual content and self-harm references

Saeyoung and I were curled up in my bed. Both of us were fairly undressed, me, just in a t-shirt and my underwear, and him in his boxers. His skin was warm again, and the feeling of his arms made me feel safer than I had in a long time. It was late at night, and I could feel exhaustion creeping into my mind, but I didn’t want to sleep, because I didn’t want to be away from him. Even after everything which had happened, I couldn’t shake the fear that he would disappear on me one day. Right now, however, he was giving me no reason to doubt him, so I nestled into his chest, trying to relax my tense nerves. He looked troubled. He was listlessly toying with my hair, twirling it in between his fingers, knotting and unknotting, weaving braids. Something was stopping him from staying still, as well.

What do they want from you?” He asked, looking down at me. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“My parents?”

“Yeah.” 

“Basically for me to become Jumin Han. Emotionless. Wealthy business person.” 

“Oh, I wouldn't like that at all.” 

“No?”

“Hmm, no. Not at all…” He put his hands on my waist and kissed me. “I couldn't do this with Jumin, could I?” He said, reaching up my shirt to touch my chest, which was bare under my shirt.

“Well, I mean, technically-” My sentence was cut off with a gasp when he squeezed my nipple. “Okay, sure. Yeah. Probably Jumin wouldn't be down for that.”

“And Jumin doesn’t have such sexy long hair,” he said running his fingers through it and pulling softly. A warm tingle ran through my whole body. “How do you feel?” He whispered in my ear, and I shivered. “Are you tired?”

“Not terribly,” I said quietly. Sooner or later, I would have to deal with the situation with my parents. But that was then, and it was currently two AM, so there was nothing to worry about. “Hmm,” I sighed. “How about you?” 

“You can’t do that to me. Making that sound… you’ll make me lose my mind. Another problem with Jumin is,” he said, slipping his fingers into my underwear, and grinning at my soft moan, “he definitely doesn’t like it when I touch his pussy…” I choked back a laugh.

“You’re too much. I can’t deal.” He turned my laugh into a sigh as he stroked me with his fingers. 

“I hope not,” he murmured back, as he began kissing my neck. “It’s okay. You’re softer than Elly anyway. And sexier.” When I looked at him, a mischievous grin grew on his face. “Maddie, when you look at me like that… I can’t even help myself but to-“ I shut my eyes slowly, expecting him to kiss me, but I squealed in surprise as he started tickling me. You’re so precious, oh my god,” he said, smiling widely. I tried to push him back, peals of laughter escaping my mouth.

“No,” I whined. “I hate being tickled.”

“Are you sure?” He said, widening his eyes, but not stopping. “But you make such adorable faces.” I was gasping through my laughter, and tried to frown so I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of smiling. 

“I’m super sure,” I said with as serious a face as I could manage. 

“That’s not any less cute,” he said, laughing. 

“Pleeeease,” I begged him. He sighed.

“Well, since you begged. I can’t deny that kind of request.” My cheeks were burning hot from the laughter and happiness, and my breaths were growing shallow from laughing. He watched me momentarily before grabbing my shoulder and flipping me off of my previous position - I had been leaning against him - and shoving me against the mattress. “Is this better?” He asked, his voice husky as he held me in place, leaning over me, using his knee to spread my legs. 

“I’m still breathless,” I said, quietly sucking in a breath as he grabbed my leg, pulling it around his waist. “But yeah.” 

“Mm,” I whimpered as he ran his hand up my leg, gripping my thigh. He leaned down and kissed me, biting my lip, and then he slipped his tongue into my mouth, and I felt dizzy. I gasped as he dug his fingers into the skin on my leg. My arms were wrapped around him, and, as he kissed me, I held on to him tightly, pressing my nails into his skin, and I could tell from his sharp gasps that he liked it.

“Ugh,” he groaned. “Keep doing that.” I smiled at his gasp when I ran my fingernails across his back. He stopped kissing me momentarily. “How are your wrists?” He looked at them and saw that they were still raw, and flinched when he noticed that there were new cuts. “You know,” he said. “Once you stop doing that, I can tie you up.” I inhaled sharply at the thought of him,  
completely in control. I wanted it.

“It’s not that easy,” I replied, looking away. “But I’ll do my best.” I felt guilty, but the thoughts immediately vanished from my mind as he started gently trailing kisses across my face and on my neck.

“I hope so. I can’t wait to see you like that - completely vulnerable. Completely mine.” 

“I’m completely yours anyway.”

“Yeah, but with ropes around you, I know you can’t… won’t leave me.” 

“Don’t be bad,” I whispered, running a hand through his hair before grabbing it and pulling. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Oh? Would you rather be in control? What should I call you?” I shook my head, before wrapping my other leg around him and pulling him closer. He groaned and ran his hands up my chest and then pulled up my shirt, leaving my breasts bear. He blew on my skin, and leaned down to kiss my chest for a minute, leaving red marks, before running his tongue around my nipple. He sucked for a minute before biting me. I yelped, and I reached for his hand and placed it on my thigh. My lower body was shaking, and when he noticed, he started stroking me again and then pressed his of fingers inside of me. As I felt heat traveling downwards, he sat up, momentarily, looking at me, writhing at his touch. He moved his hand away, and I frowned at the loss of sensation.

“Don’t stop,” I whined. He smiled and started kissing down my body, moving from my breasts to my stomach, and down even further, until his lips were at the top off my underwear. 

“Is this okay?” He looked up at me, his eyes smoldering. I nodded, and he used his teeth to pull down my panties. I moaned, more loudly than I had expected, when he kissed me there. He began humming against me, and the slight vibration was torture. “I love you,” he whispered quietly.

“I now understand why I was inclined to call you God Seven,” I moaned. “Your mouth is heavenly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a review if you have any thoughts and thank you for reading! 
> 
> The song in the summary is "Angels by" xx. Click to listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nW5AF0m9Zw


	9. Investigation and doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll stop time for you...  
> The second you say you'd like me to.  
> I just wanna give you the loving that [you] miss[ed].
> 
> I know I can treat you better,  
> better than he [did]." 
> 
> Seven experiences retrospective jealousy, and anxiety, as he looks into Maddie's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9! TWs for sex mentions. Slight edits after posting made on the dialogue, but nothing that particularly matters for content.

My hands were shaking as I typed. I hadn’t felt this distracted since I was trying to deal with unknown and the agency at the same time. I guess my anxiety had a trigger - it was concerns for Maddie’s wellbeing. Because after consideration, I was sure that there was more to her story. Although Maddie had been upfront about her parents, I could tell that there was another piece of the puzzle which was missing. When I lay beside her at night, rather than basking in her warmth, visions broke into my mind. Had she been involved with criminal activity? Bullied? Suffered with a mental or physical health condition she had yet to share with me? I tossed and turned, trying to rid my mind of the stressful thoughts, but I couldn’t do it. Even Charlie had started waking her up, announcing “sensing anxiety.” I told her that the cat was broken and that I meant to reprogram it. But I knew I couldn’t rest until I had uncovered this.

I was well aware of the irony. How many times had I told her “secrets should be kept secret?” I could feel her suffering in the role reversal, but there were some things which were different. I doubted that my knowledge would put anyone’s life at risk, and I had resources (hacking skills and RFA) which could potentially solve the problem. I was just also well aware that keeping secrets had gotten me nowhere good. To people like Madeline and I, secrets are part of our nature. They’re who we are. In many ways, that made us at odds with the world. But, for that same reason, we needn’t be at odds with each other. I was learning that her instincts were, in many ways the same as mine. I understood the first half - abusive parents, but there was something more. Something which had shifted her even further in my direction. Something in her adulthood.

The need for answers was crawling under my skin, so I asked her to sleep at my place, so I could spend some time with Saeran. In reality, I committed some time to my high processing computers. I had little idea of where to start, although I had a feeling it had occurred in the USA. I started with her old phone number, which I’d found while background checking her before. I quickly scanned the major cell providers. I found her in the database before long, and easily accessed her details. 

Many of her calls were to a girl named Zoey (who seemed oddly familiar), but there were a few to acquaintances and lower intensity friendships. Though I had difficulty focusing my mind to scan through texts, I was able to parse that she and Zoey had gone to different universities but had kept in touch after high school. Interestingly, they’d started communicating again a few weeks ago, but for now, my focus was on her past. She kept talking to Zoey about an older man she was seeing, but she didn’t name him, instead opting to refer to him as “Rochester,” a clear reference to the character in Jane Eyre. She mentioned a number of times her discomfort with being “the other woman,” and even said that she didn’t trust him. There was an affair happening, and Madeline was ashamed. She told Zoey that she wanted it to stop, but she had feelings for the man and she knew that he could help her “get access,” although she didn’t explain what that meant. 

As months passed, Maddie mentioned to Zoey that she had become afraid of his reaction if she decided to end the affair. This all struck me as even more odd given that there was no record of any texts exchanged with an unknown number, or even any number of texts exchanged with someone other than Zoey, who, given the nature of their conversations, wasn’t secretly the other man, meaning she probably had a burner… which inclined me to think that this was someone powerful, or, at the very least, someone with a strong incentive to keep it secret. I had to stop for a minute and catch my breath. My Maddie. My beautiful, sweet Maddie in an affair with an older man? Something seemed wrong. The girl I knew wouldn’t let herself get pushed around like this. But I had been correct about her secrets, and I saw how little I actually knew about her. I had a grasp on her personality, her favorite movies, the bands she liked, and the way she liked being touched… but nothing about her ambitions or plans outside of RFA, and even less about her past. Ever since we’d met, the whole focus had always been on me. Guilt pooled in my stomach when I thought of the toll this must have taken on her. How many nights had she spent sleepless, wondering if I would ever return her feelings? Hopefully just a few. And after I did, I'm sure she wondered if we could make a relationship work. It was clear that she had been with someone who didn't treat her well before… I could only hope that I didn’t contribute to however that must have made her feel. At the same time, I wished I could erase every moment she had spent touching someone else. I wished that I could wipe every tear from her face that she had ever cried over him, and that I could have been there for her through every moment of pain she'd felt in her past. The solution to this, was, going forward, to stay by her side. Always. Because Maddie would never be my other woman. I had no idea how she could ever be anyone's. 

I shook my head, and tried to stop the anxiety, sadness, and guilt spiraling through my mind. I muttered at myself to focus and turned my attention to her iCloud calendar, and, aside from classes and homework blocks, she had an alarmingly large number of slots she’d spent “campaigning.” Unfortunately, that could mean anything. She had gone to school in DC. But a closer look indicated that the campaigning only started after she’d started her POL 320 class. This could be a coincidence, but I had a feeling that it was a link. Before that, she had never spent even an hour campaigning, according to her calendar. Could this man be someone at the university? Perhaps an older graduate student who had attracted her to the campaign? A professor? 

The POL 320 class that semester had been taught by… James Clifton. A US congressman. I felt my heart rate elevate a bit when I saw his photo, and had an overwhelming feeling that I was on the right track. This felt… weird. James was taller than me, older, and had much darker hair. He seemed focused, serious, and a bit cold. How could the same girl have been attracted to both of us? I tried to shake the doubt out of my mind, and crossed my fingers that I was wrong about “Rochester.” If I wasn’t, it meant that it was not just unwise for Madeline to return to America. It was dangerous.

“Brother.” Saeran said, walking slowly out of the shadows. I was writing down Zoey’s contact info, when he interrupted. She would be the next person with whom I would have to speak. He had been lurking there for quite some time, and I had been pretending not to see him.

“Brother,” I replied, mimicking his sinister tone.

“I know what you’re doing.”

“Fine. You caught me. I was copying the way you said ‘brother’ for dramatic affect.” Saeran stared at me. “Were you really watching me? I thought you were playing LOLOL.” He had, in fact, been on his laptop, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t also watching.

“You think I can’t watch two screens at once?”

“No,” I said. “I’m sure you can.”

“Why are you doing that?” He pointed to my screen.

“Maddie is keeping something from me.” Saeran sighed. 

“Have you ever heard of respecting privacy? You expected it from her.”

“I can help her… I think.” 

“Tell me.”

“Do you recognize this guy?” I showed him a picture of James Clifton.

“Why?”

“I think… he’s Madeline’s ex-lover.” Saeran stared at me for a minute and started laughing.

“Did you really just use the word ‘lover?’”

“Yes?” 

“You’re getting too serious, Sae.”

“Fair,” I said, face reddening a little. “Interestingly, you can also be called Sae. I guess it’s not a very effective nickname.”

“Okay then, I’ll give you a new one… bae.” He snickered 

“Noooo,” I groaned. “Pleeeeeease don’t do this to me.” 

“Too late, it already stuck.”

“My nickname is Seven.” 

“Sure. Baeven, then.” 

“Oh my god.” 

“To answer your question… I don’t recognize him.” 

“I think this guy may be putting her safety at risk. I think he may be the reason she left the US.” Saeran sighed deeply.

“Surely you don’t want her to go home?”

“That place isn’t her home,” I said, immediately.

“You want her to stay here, with you.”

“Right. But I want her to have the choice. I can’t sleep while her safety is at risk.”

“I’m going to tell you something, and you won’t like it.”

“What?” 

“You are creating problems. You’re too scared to be happy, so you’re fabricating all this other shit to be anxious about. But you should just let it go. It’s okay to be still, Saeyoung.”

“No, it isn’t! I won’t feel safe until she does.”

“Maybe that’s why she doesn’t feel safe.” I sighed. “The threats which were facing you? They’re gone. It will be okay. If you’re really concerned about her, ask her to move in with you.” 

“Are you really okay with that?” 

“Just don’t be too loud, okay?” I stared at him.

“Well Maddie is never really loud, but 707 AGENT OF JUSTICE ON THE OTHER HAND -“

“I meant, like, when you’re having sex.” My face turned red, but my thoughts were still spinning. I would continue investigating Maddie’s past… But could my brother be right? Was I overreacting?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was extremely hard for me to write - I find the dynamic between Saeran and Seven sooo tricky to get right, because the game didn't give us very much to see what it would be like in the after ending or after the secret endings are done. The song in the summary is "Treat You Better," by Sean Mendes. I think it's a little funny because it's definitely about being jealous of someone in a relationship with /another person/, but I think Seven feels bothered enough by the thought of her with James that it is justified. You can listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY2yjAdbvdQ
> 
> Thanks for reading, and please review if you can!


	10. The return of Miss Mary the 3rd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm your carnal flower; I'm your bloody rose.  
> Pick my petals off, and make my heart explode.  
> I'm your deadly nightshade; I'm your cherry tree.  
> You're my one true love; I'm your destiny."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 - wow, this is coming along so quickly. TW for mild BDSM.

I opened the door, ready to collapse from exhaustion. Meeting with the dean of financial aid had been… miserable at best. He had been unimpressed with my explanation of parental abuse, and his attempt at comforting me revolved around insisting that Georgetown was a great university, and that I would be fine in the US. Even though I had spent the whole day there, I was no closer to reaching a solution. I was unzipping my jacket - academic buildings are always fucking cold, when someone grabbed my arm from behind. My heart racing, I spun around, whipping my pepper spray out of my purse pocket. Who had followed me here? And what did they want? 

I laughed in surprise when Saeyoung grabbed the weapon out of my hand. God, his reflexes were fast. He was dressed… well, not in his usual clothes. It was the maid outfit he had been wearing, when he claimed Vanderwood was actually his cleaner (poor Vanderwood), wig and all.

“Mistress, please don’t spray that. You’ll make a mess. And I’ve spent all day working hard, cleaning for you.” I grimaced and hoped that this part was a joke. I had left a few dirty dishes in the sink and it had been a while since I’d done library. “And don’t make such a grim face… I’m here to assure your day is as pleasurable as possible. So tell me, Mistress, how can I serve you?”

“Hmm,” I sighed, and I saw him slightly shiver. “Well, you can start by helping me unzip my dress. It has such a difficult zipper, and it always gets caught in my hair.” 

“Your wish is my command.” He slipped my jacket the rest of the way off, and gently hung it on the rack. I flipped my hair over my shoulder so that he could see my bare neck, and he inhaled slightly. He cupped my face and gently tilted my head so that he could kiss my neck. I closed my eyes in pleasure, and moaned slightly when he bit me. This may have been planned as a costumed hook up, but, when I felt his teeth softly sink into my skin, I had another idea.

“Miss Choi,” I said, looking at him. “You bit me.” 

“My apologies mistress.” I clucked my tongue.

“That’s not very good behavior. I’ll have to punish you,” I said, grinning. I was usually pretty submissive, but, after dealing with the frustration of university bureaucracy had left me with a craving to feel in control. “What’s your color?” I asked, checking on his comfort in the situation.

“Green for anything in my comfort zone,” he said, looking at me. 

“Don’t look me in the eyes. You’re really getting out of hand today, aren’t you?” He bit his lip, looking at the floor. His cheeks were flushed with excitement. “Stay still. Can you do that?” I asked him, and he nodded.

“Yes.”

“Yes, mistress,” I corrected him, and he grinned cheekily.

“There’s no need to call me mistress.” I shook my head at him sternly and gently slapped him. He moaned softly, looking down. We’d discussed our limits a while ago, and he was okay with gentle hitting. Neither of us liked breath exercises (for obvious reasons) or knife play. Given how masochistic he often was, I was surprised he hadn’t expressed interest in this earlier. 

“That’s enough from you. Don’t speak unless you’re responding to an order or a question. Do you understand?”

“Yes, mistress,” he said, looking down. 

“That’s right. Since you’re being a good girl now, I’ll repeat my original order. Stand still.” I walked around him and reached up his skirt, touching him, and I gently breathed on his neck. Impressively, he did as I asked - he didn’t flinch. I untied the bow around his waist, which he had used two sashes to layer. “This will be useful,” I said, smiling. “Take off your dress.”

“Yes, mistress,” he said, and he began slowly unbuttoning it, and dropped it to the ground. He was now wearing just his boxers, thigh highs, his maid collar, and a pair of low, black heels. 

“You can take your shoes off. And go stand by the bed.” He did as I said. 

“Thank you, mistress.” I followed him, carrying his sashes. He stood by my bed. His cheeks were pink, and his eyes looked a little teary. I pushed him onto the bed. I straddled him, and my heart rate sped up a bit. I leaned over him for a minute, watching, and then I started kissing him. I heard him quietly groaning as I ran my hands up and down his chest, and I bit down on his lip. I was still wearing my dress, but I could feel his body against my bare legs. I looked down at him, and, although he was avoiding making contact, I could see the anticipation in his eyes. I ran my hands up my body, slowly slipping off my dress, and I threw it on the ground. I leaned back down to kiss him and started grinding my hips against his, loving the feeling of his bare chest against mine. I moaned slightly when I felt him hardening underneath me, and he reached his arms around me to pull me closer, and then threaded his fingers in my hair. I stopped kissing him and pulled away.

“Miss Choi… did I tell you it was okay to touch me?”

“No, mistress” he said, grinning. 

“You give me no choice. I’ll have to tie you up, so you don’t disobey me again.” I took one of the sashes and wrapped it gently around his wrists, tying them together, and then to the bed.

“Tell me if your hands start to feel numb, or if you don’t want this anymore, okay?” This was my first time restraining someone, and I was a bit nervous.

“Yes mistress. They feel fine.” He looked up at me. I shook my head at him.

“I told you not to look me in the eyes. I suppose I’ll have to blindfold you as well.” I reached my hands around his head and gently tied the sash.

“Can you see?”

“No, mistress.”

“Good. Stay there.” I walked out of the room, and I could hear his shallow breathing. He was really loving this. I took out one of my mugs and squeezed some of the chocolate syrup Saeyoung had bought me into it. I stuck the cup into the microwave and smiled. It had been a gift from him. Apparently the coffee allergy incident, and my playing along with him, was one of the moments when he had realized he was falling for me. When he found out I loved chocolate milk, he brought it back from the grocery store, with a ribbon and flowers. I stuck my finger into the cup. It was warm, but not hot enough to burn. 

“Miss Choi, how are you doing?”

“I’m all good, mistress.” I climbed back onto the bed, and gently rolled a condom onto him, which I resolved would be the last tender action I took for a while.

“Don’t make a sound, okay?” He nodded. I tilted the the chocolate syrup onto his chest and he gasped. “Shh,” I whispered, and kept pouring it onto him. “You look so sexy with that smeared all over you. I can’t wait to taste you.” I used my fingertips to tease him, brushing them across his skin, which was covered in goosebumps, despite the hot liquid. I heard him moaning again and shook my head. “If you don’t keep quiet, I won’t let you come.” He bit down on his lip, and I noticed he was shaking, and what I could see of his face was extremely flushed. I kissed him breathily, brushing my tongue across his lips, and then pulled his collar off, and started kissing and nipping down his neck. When I reached his collarbone, I bit him, and could tell he was muffling his reaction by biting down on his lip again. “Good girl,” I whispered, and I kept kissing down his chest, licking the chocolate off of him. I kissed him again so he could taste it, and he shuddered. Tracing my fingers across his skin, I slid my hand under his waistband, and he flinched, but I stayed still, holding him. “You like that, don’t you?” He nodded. “Such a slut,” I muttered. “So desperate for me to touch you.” He nodded again shamelessly, and I smiled. I quickly slid of my panties, and pulled off his boxers, scraping my nails along his body as I did so. He gasped at my touch. “How are you, Miss Choi? You may speak to answer this question.” 

“ I’m still green,” he said. I was relieved. I climbed onto the bed, and I smiled, moaning as I slid myself onto him, with my knees on either side of his torso. When I heard him sigh in pleasure, I slapped him on his chest, and he bit his lip again.

“Be silent,” I ordered. “And stop biting yourself… let me do that for you.” I leaned down to kiss him, biting into his bottom lip as I had promised, and I rocked my hips against his, forcefully, making sure to take my time and to torture him by moaning and sighing to remind him that he couldn’t. I was loving the feeling of being completely in control with him inside of me.

“Mistress,” he asked, after what felt like an eternity of blissful thrusts. “May I come?” 

“Not until I have,” I said, relishing in punishing him, although I knew I was close. He gritted his teeth. It wasn’t long before I was done, pleasure rushing through my whole body, and I nearly collapsed on top of him, using just my weakened arms to hold myself up. “Such a good girl,” I whispered. “You can get your reward, now. How would you like me?” He coughed. 

“Just, keep doing what you were doing before, Mistress. And kiss me again, please.” I did as he asked, and it was only a few strokes before he came as well. I felt his muscles go slack underneath me, and I kissed him one last time and slid off of him before untying his wrists, still straddling him.

“You were so good. You have served me well today, Saeyoung.” I said his name to indicate that he was done with sub mode. He shuddered, still feeling the orgasm, and he pulled off his blindfold and his wig. I leaned down to ruffle his hair, which had gotten weirdly flat (he had wig hair. Too cute!), and he stared up at me. I realized that I was also dripping in chocolate from rubbing against him. I could see desire burning in his eyes as he gazed up at me.

“How do you feel, Madeline?” He asked. His voice was deep and husky from not being able to speak for so long. 

“So good. Amazing,” I said, smiling at him. He glanced away briefly, throwing the condom into my bedside trashcan.

“Thank you,” he said. “I’ve always wanted to do that.” I laughed. 

“Should I tell Charlie we’ve checked off something else on the list?” He smiled, but his eyes were still locked on me intensely.

“Are you green?”

“I mean, yeah, I’m down for more intimacy, but aren’t you done-“

“No,” he said, grinning darkly, and he grabbed my hips as he sat up, leaning against the headboard. I was still on top of him, but, when he began using one hand to yank on my hair and the other to massage my breasts, I realized that I was no longer in control. When I moaned, he took his hand off of my chest and slapped me on my ass. I gasped in surprise, and he pushed me off of him and onto my back. He looked down at me, and his gaze was burning. 

“My turn to be in charge now,” he said, leaning over me. His voice was dark, and he slid his hands up and down my waist, gripping my side, and digging his nails in. He saw I was squeezing my eyes shut, and he started kissing my chest, sucking and making marks wherever the syrup was on me. “It’s too sweet to go to waste,” he murmured. “Just like you. Too sweet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maddie and Seven definitely have a unique sexual partnership - I'm really enjoying the openness and fluidity they're developing as the story goes on. It's also very important to me that I portray consent as something which is premium #1 in their relationship.
> 
> This is my first time writing anything particularly kinky (although this is definitely more on the vanilla end still), and I'm not sure how it turned out, but there was no way that this fic was going to end without Seven in his maid costume again. If you have any thoughts on this, or the rest of the fic, please review! 
> 
> The song in the summary is Froot, by Marina and the Diamonds.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc9T1QvnQnc


	11. Investigation Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Through patio doors, lies century upon century,  
> Of skulls untold, as hushed as suburban adultery,  
> And below our homes, and underneath the lawns we keep,  
> White silent skulls are smiling at the hypocrisy.
> 
> Backyard skulls, deep beneath the ground.  
> All those backyard skulls, not deep enough to never be found."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11
> 
> Note: This chapter underwent serious, important content related edits today (July 26th), because I realized that I didn't like part of Maddie's backstory and that this chapter was confusing. The edits are important for understanding the story in the future, so if you are someone who read it prior to that date, you should go back and reread.

A pink haired girl was sitting on her laptop, headphones planted firmly over her ears. This was going to be awkward. I immediately regretted coming here without one of the more overtly charming RFA members. I should have asked Zen, or even Yoosung, who had the babyface appeal. But I’d fucked up and brought my nerdy, intermittently hyper, and completely inconspicuous self. I walked over to her table and sat across from her, trying to find an icebreaker. I had background checked her before coming, obviously, but her online presence was alarmingly clean - barely a trace aside from some academic records and an art website. She seemed, by all accounts and purposes, incredibly normal.

“What are you listening to?” She paused her music momentarily, and looked up at me. Something which looked like a flicker of recognition passed across her face, but it was gone almost immediately. 

“Not you,” she said, pressing the play button again. I could see why Maddie was friends with her. She would have no time for being approached this way, either.

“Wait,” I said, and I saw annoyance in her eyes.

“I’m not interested.”

“I’m a… a friend of a friend?” She sighed, taking her headphones off, resting them around her neck. Huh. This seemed to be schtick for people in Maddie’s life. 

“I’ll give you two minutes to explain who you know and why I should care.”

“I’m Madeline’s boyfriend.” She raised her eyebrows.

“Oh. It’s you.”

“What do you mean, 'it’s me?'” 

“She told me about this, but I’m honestly still in disbelief. Maddie finally settles down… and of course it’s with you. Not the silver-haired star? Or the CEO? God, it’s so like her. How did you two meet again? ” 

“I’m not sure if that was intended as a compliment or an insult… All I can tell you is that Madeline is someone who is very special to me.” I tried to avoid the cringe I felt rolling down my skin. When we were together, I wanted to say these things… but in front of a stranger, I remembered why I had teased Zen and Yoosung for whining about needing girlfriends. "And I think she's better to tell the story of how we met than I am." Zoey looked mildly annoyed. 

“Is she into this sucrose now? Whatever. I knew falling in love would change her.” She looked me up and down again. “I just... can't believe she got involved with... God, the world is so small." She looked almost disbelieving. "You’re perfect for her.” I felt my cheeks start to flush a little when I realized the phrase “settled down” had been used. The idea of keeping her forever was enough to make my heart pound out of my body, but I couldn't shake from my mind the strange way that Zoey was behaving. I closed my eyes momentarily and resolved to get back to business. 

“I hope so.”

“Why are you here? Are you trying to figure out how to propose?” My eyes widened.

“I have my own plans for that,” I said with a grin. “So that’s not why I’m here. I… um. Have some questions about Maddie’s past.”

“Seriously? Doing a background check on her? Aren’t you like, really good with computers? And don’t worry, I won’t tell her your planning on asking the big question. She has no idea.” 

“With computers? Um… no, I’m terrible. I got injured a while ago and can barely type.”Alarms were going of in my mind. Who exactly was this girl? First “it’s you,” and now the computer comment? “Oh, and, thanks for your discretion.” 

“I ran into her at a bar a few weeks ago and she wouldn’t stop talking about you.” I smiled for a split second before realizing the meaning of her words.

“A bar?! She was at a bar?” 

“Yeah, she was there with the actor. It was so funny, she was pushing him onto this waitress - some fan of his, trying to set them up.” Of course she was. “It was a little weird, though, because the girl looked just like her.” Oh. That was more than a little strange. “But she claimed not to see the resemblance. I’m not sure what was going on in her head. I think she just needed to blow off some steam, but she felt super guilty for leaving you in the hospital. She even kept snapchatting you - don't you remember?” I sighed. Of course I remembered, but I’d been so focused on Saeran, our relationship, and Madeline’s mysteries, that to worry about that hadn’t crossed my mind until now. 

“Did they look… um… intimate?” 

“Not at all. It was super clear to me that she saw him as a friend, although I’m not sure that he feels the same way. You don’t have anything to worry about. She’s head over heels for you.” Good. No, not good, amazing. Unbelievable. Spectacular. “Is that why you’re here? To check on her relationship with him?” 

“No. I have some questions about a relationship I think she had in college.” Zoey paled slightly. 

“She didn’t seriously date anyone while she was at Georgetown.”

“I know you’re covering for her. She told me everything,” I lied. “But I just wanted to see if I could find out who the guy was, or anything about him. She mentioned an affair with an older, powerful man.”

“She told you about that?” Zoey looked down at her phone and began rapidly typing.

“Yes,” I lied.

“Has she told anyone else?” 

“No.” Definitely not. 

“Are you sure?”

“Quite.” Madeline hadn’t even told me. There was no way that the rest of RFA knew. And… she unfortunately didn’t seem to have any other friends in Korea.

“Good - make sure it stays that way. She never told me his name. Before she met him, she was super focused on literature - I’m sure she’s talked about this with you. But after a few sessions in office hours… She totally shifted focus.” I frowned. This didn’t sound like the independent Maddie I knew. “He had taken a liking to her from the beginning. I’m sure you know by now, Madeline doesn't have the best self esteem.” I looked down. I knew. This was just a reminder of how awful the way I had treated her was. “So when someone in a power position told her she was smart, it was like her whole world shifted. She thought that she could finally impress her parents and prove to the world that she was good enough… Somehow, she still doesn’t know that her parents are trash and that she’s always been worthy. After she started seeing him, she quickly reset her sights and decided to focus on journalism. But she never went anywhere with it. The next time I talked to her, she was gushing about how she had stayed late at his campaign... um, his office one night, and he kissed her. I knew that this was going nowhere good. Even though she was happy with the guy - she called him ‘Rochester’ - 

"The Jane Eyre character?" 

"Yes. I was saying - their happiness was tenuous, and the further the relationship devolved from student/teacher to student/teacher role play, I started to hear this the wobble in her voice when she doubted if he had initially expressed interest in her because of her writing or because of ulterior motives, which is a horrible position to be in as a woman, but especially for her. All the worth she had built up started fading away, and she became more and more reliant on him.” I grimaced when I thought of her in that position. Maddie was incredibly capable, strong, and bright. Yet, having seen her in her dark moments, I could tell exactly how crushing that experience would have been for her. “Soon, she didn’t want to be a journalist anymore. I honestly think she thought that he might leave his wife for her. She hated being the other woman. But a professor divorcing his wife and kids for his 19 year old student? It would never happen, and, even if he did feel something for her, he cared far more about his career.”

“So she ended the relationship?” Zoey shook her head.

“Not right away, although she came close when she met the wife at an event. She told me that she shivered, the way the wife looked at her. Maddie felt guilty. She hated the feeling that she was harming someone else with the affair.” 

“Why did she stay with him?” 

“I mean, she did like him. But after a while, it became more than that. She wanted to go, but he was concerned she would leak the affair to the press. The last time I heard from her, she snapchatted me and said she was leaving the US and coming here. I think she may have even left without saying goodbye to him.” So her quick departure from the US… it had been that man’s fault. “Why are you asking about this?” I shrugged. 

“I just want to know everything about her. She is the love of my life. I want to be able to treat her well. I want to make sure I never become like that guy.” This seemed adequate for Zoey, but she still stared at me for a moment.

“You need to make sure that she doesn’t tell anyone. Even though they had the affair… he’s a good politician. It would hurt him, and it would only embarrass her.” Something was wrong. She claimed not to know his name, but said he was a good politician? She probably knew more than she was letting on and was probably covering for her friend. Probably. “But dude. If there’s one thing you never have to worry about, it’s being like him. From what I’ve seen, you couldn’t be more different.” I tried not to visibly cringe. Little did she know, I had probably put her friend in either more danger than he had. “I tried to text her to ask what had happened, but I could never get a text through to her. Her American cell number disconnected. She deleted her Facebook. One of my closest friends… I thought I would never find her.” Find her? That was a strange choice of words. 

“James Clifton. Is that him?”

“No, not him. This knowledge… no matter who it is about, it can be risky. You should make sure she keeps this to herself, and that you do the same. Did she accuse him?”

“No.”

“He’s not an enemy you want to have. He wasn’t ‘Rochester,’ but he is a powerful man.” 

“What do you mean?”

“You really aren’t up to date on American politics.” She was right. I had other concerns. “He has a reputation for ruthlessness." 

I sighed. Zoey was lying, about a lot of this, and she wasn’t very good at it. She was clearly a loyal friend - she was showing so much concern for her Maddie, and vehemently trying to keep her secret. Zoey hadn’t given me anymore information about the affair than I had approached her with - just analytics about Maddie's personality. I could tell by the way she’d skirted around Clifton while still emphasizing that he was a dangerous opponent. Had he threatened Madeline? Or even threatened her? 

The similarities between Maddie's situation and my own were uncanny. I felt dark, and it made me wonder why my father didn't force my mother to leave the country or just have her killed himself. It would have solved the blackmail situation. But why did Maddie put herself in this position? A desperate need for affirmation from an authority figure, I knew. But there were so many other ways to get it, and even if you wanted it from a lover (sorry, Saeran), it seemed to me that he wasn't an ideal option. There were professors and TA's at her university, various administrators, and even other politicians - many that were single, handsome, and would love to date someone like her. Most of them seemed to be more human than Clifton did.

The only men I'd known Maddie had seen seriously - and I tried not to grin in delight when I reminded myself that we were a serious couple - were myself and James. On one hand, I wondered if part of our intimacy came from a shared similar background. But conversely, I had to wonder if we had more in common than Zoey had let on. Attraction to guys who seemed emotionally unattainable and were dangerous looked like a pattern for her. Thinking about this made my ears ring. Was I just a repetition of a trope for her? A replacement for him? Even if we were a "serious couple," as I'd glibly just dubbed us, if she was only serious about me because I reminded her of Clifton, that was bad news.

If necessary, I could probably destroy him. Well, we could. Vanderwood, Saeran, and RFA. Probably. Unlike my situation, with a nearly pristine father, it sounded like this guy had quite a few skeletons in the closet. It would be a hard fight. He also seemed ambitious, granting this a certain level of time sensitivity. He wasn't in the leadership now, but who knew what position he would be gunning for soon enough? Because of my situation, I was well aware of the dangers of a world leader being at odds with your existence, and it wasn’t a burden I would wish on anyone, especially Madeline.

“Zoey,” I said, making eye-contact with her. “Thank you.” She shrugged.

“Maddie’s a friend. I think you can make her happy. Just be careful, okay? And if you really want to show your gratitude, set me up with one of the other sexy guys in RFA.” I gasped and laughed so abruptly that I felt I might choke.

“Well, I’m not sure they’re exactly boyfriend material, but I’ll certainly ask Maddie’s opinion and consider it.” She laughed.

“Well, I’m sure they have their flaws, but I’ve met more than enough creeps on tinder. I want something… or someone fresh.” I walked away, ready to leave, but paused as I heard Zoey’s voice again. She was on the phone. 

“It’s just the redhead. I don’t think you have anything to worry about in terms of confidentiality, but I’ll keep an eye on it. No one is going anywhere until we have my payment figured out.” What was she talking about? I would have to advise Madeline to stay away from her.

No… I thought of Saeran’s warning. I had to be overreacting. I didn’t want to fall into a habit of isolating Madeline from other people in her life out of concern for her safety. I had lived a life of isolation for too long, and I didn’t want to subject her to it. And she'd known Zoey for so long... Who is to say she would even choose to trust me? But how could I protect her? How could I be sure that she would always be safe, and that someone like Zoey was trustworthy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These investigation chapters are really, really hard for me to write, but there's a lot of fluff (and more suffering and drama as well) coming up so I promise it's worth it. Even if these chapters aren't as fun as the others (but honestly what is more fun than Seven in his maid's costume?), they are here to set up future plot lines and are very important for revealing information. If you have any thoughts, please leave a review, and thanks for reading!
> 
> The song in the summary is "Backyard Skulls" by Frightened Rabbit. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx7dF89a3z4


	12. Accidental blind date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Looks like you've been starving.  
> You've got those hungry eyes.  
> You could use some sugar,  
> 'Cause your levels ain't right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12: TW for physical intimacy and references to sex

Saeyoung: “Where are you?”  
Madeline: “Going to dinner with Zoey.”  
Saeyoung: “I don’t want you to be alone with her. Can I meet you there?” Madeline: “Sure, but please bring someone with you. She hates third-wheeling.” We had never been in this situation, but I was almost certain that it was true.  
Saeyoung: “Fine, but could you do me a favor?”  
Madeline: “What kind? ;)”  
Saeyoung: “Just… don’t refer to me as Saeyoung tonight, okay?”  
Madeline: “Why?”  
Saeyoung: “Dw… I’ll explain later.” I trusted him and agreed to do as he asked.

“Come on,” I grinned, dragging Zoey by her hand. It was my end goal to matchmake everyone in the group. “This will be fun.” 

“I wanted to have dinner just the two of us.” I had been worried about her cancelling the plans, so I didn’t tell her until we were walking in that there was actually more company. 

“Who else is even in RFA?” 

“You’ll see.”

“But it isn’t Jumin or Zen?” 

“Nah. Zen is a drama queen - quite literally - well, the drama part is literal - and Jumin was busy. I think the person you’re meeting is going to be very good for you.” She sighed.  
“I know that his assistant is super cute, but I’m tragically still heterosexual, and as far as I know, the same is true of her.”

“I know,” I sighed. “Such a shame. In an alternate universe, she and I are living a beautiful sapphic life.” Yoosung and Saeyoung were sitting at the restaurant booth. My boyfriend was relaxed and laughing as Yoosung was clearly debating whether or not to drink the coffee that was sitting in front of him. When Saeyoung met my eyes, his face lit up. I would never get used to the butterflies that fluttered in my stomach when he smiled at me. I twinkled my fingers in a wave at him. Yoosung nervously looked up at Zoey, biting his lip in anxiety.

I slid into the booth next to Saeyoung, and wrapped my arms around him. He sighed softly, pulling me closer, and kissed the top of my head. He looked so cute right now. He was wearing a black t-shirt which said “Comedic Relief,” one of his signature hoodies, and well fitted jeans. 

“Are you cold?” He leaned down, whispering in my ear, but his glasses fell off his face and landed on the table. As I picked them back up and was sliding them gently back on, my face close to his, I heard a targeted cough. My face turned bright red when I saw Zoey and Yoosung gawking at us. Zoey was rolling her eyes, but Yoosung looked even more embarrassed than I felt. Saeyoung glanced down at my arms, and I realized that my wrists weren’t covered. I nodded at him and he handed me his jacket. As I slid my arms into the long sleeves, I felt my body almost start to melt. The soft fabric and smell (just like him) gave me the overwhelming sensation that I was enveloped in his aura. He zipped the jacket up, and our dinner companions were still staring at us.

“So…” Zoey interjected.

“Yeah,” I replied, laughing uncomfortably. “Well, this isn’t quite going how I planned. Zoey, this is Yoosung.” He smiled and reached his hand out to shake hers. Zoey looked a little uncomfortable, but shook back. She was definitely used to being greeted with a hug on blind dates, or a wave. She sat down next to him, and he nervously scooted nearly against the wall. I sighed. This was going to be more difficult than I thought. It was past time to diffuse this tension. Thankfully, Saeyoung had the same thought  
.  
“Yoosung, you aren’t going to drink that, are you? This restaurant serves chocolate milk, but I’m fairly certain they don’t have a humidifier. So you’d better not,” Saeyoung said, full of false concern. Yoosung’s eyes widened as he was faced with what he probably believed was a life or death choice again.

“Is he telling me the truth?” He looked at me and Zoey.

“Fill me in?” Zoey asked, a wry expression on her face.

“Yoosung has a rare disease called Pass Out After Drinking Caffeine Syndrome,” I said, looking seriously into her eyes. She looked at me blankly for a moment, before she started laughing. 

“It’s not funny!” Yoosung said. I chuckled in disbelief. Jaehee had cleared this up for him before. I couldn’t believe he was gullible enough to accept it a second time.

“Yoosung,” Zoey said, choking through her laughter. “That disease doesn’t exist.”

“It does!” He insisted. “See?” He pulled up the article Saeyoung had shown him. She skimmed it before starting to laugh again.

“Yoosung… this says ‘I am just writing random BS to mock Yoosung. Thanks to cows and my imagination,’ at the bottom.” 

“No way!” He protested. She pointed to the line for him, and Yoosung turned, in disbelief, too look at Saeyoung, who turned away to stare at Zoey.

“Zoey… how could you? Did you change the article on WikiPedia? Are you part of the… PRO COFFEE LOBBY? And Yoosung, I’ve known you for years. You have to believe me.” Zoey kept laughing. Yoosung looked at me.

“What’s really true?” Yoosung seemed to be looking to me for guidance. He was making a mistake.

“Does he seem like a liar to you?” I asked, looking at Saeyoung.

“Yes,” Zoey and Yoosung said in chorus, and both smiled a little bit.

“Yoosung, if you don’t believe me, you should drink the coffee and see what happens,” she said.

“But what if I… faint and never wake up?” 

“That won’t happen. I promise.”

“Okay… if I faint, will you wake me up with a kiss?” He blushed a little, and I saw my friend resist the urge to grin.

“Yoosung,” Saeyoung interjected, “That’s the exact same line you used on Maddie last time we had this conversation.”

“Is it really?” He asked in disbelief. 

“No. He asked if he could borrow my humidifier. Love, that’s probably what you were thinking about. Zoey - that’s a promise?” I said, sighing.

“Of course,” she said with a wink. I reached for my phone and sent my boyfriend a message.

“Plzzzz be more subtle - trying to make this work. Don’t tell her he was trying to flirt with me!”  
“I can’t resist the urge to troll ;)” ... “But that’s why you love me,” he sent in a separate message, along with his Seven heart emoji. I grinned at him.  
“Tru,” I texted back. I was blushing, looking down at my phone.

“Oh my god,” Zoey interjected. “Are you two texting each other?” 

“No!” I replied. “We have alien telepathy and don’t need to do such things. God Seven ensured that we could always contact each other, even when there’s no cell service.” Saeyoung squeezed my hand, and Zoey looked at me with a touch of disbelief.

“You call him that in public? It’s not, like, a sex thing?” 

“Lol. No,” I said. Saeyoung poked me in the ribs, and I thought of what I’d said to him the other day. “Well, not usually.” 

“Maybe it should be?” He teased. 

“I’ll tell Charlie to add it to the list,” I said with a laugh. Zoey and Yoosung looked confused. “Sorry. We’re getting super off-track. Zoey is my friend from high school, who is also studying abroad here. This is Yoosung, another RFA member.

“How did you end up here, Zoey? Seems like an awfully strange coincidence.” Saeyoung’s question seemed pointed, but I couldn’t figure out what he was getting at.

“They gave good financial aid.” 

“You have really pretty hair,” Yoosung interjected, looking at her pink curls. “It looks just like the kind of hair you can get in LOLOL.” She smiled.

“You’re sweet.” 

“He’s sweet,” I confirmed, nodding quickly. 

“Hey,” Saeyoung said, poking me. “You’re only supposed to say that to me.” 

“You’re sweet,” I said, winking at him. “Is that better?”

“Only if you let me tickle you!” He grabbed my stomach and I jumped, and I was about to fall out of the booth when he caught me. 

“You two are ridiculous,” Zoey said. Saeyoung didn’t look particularly bothered and leaned over and bit my ear. I giggled, but I saw Yoosung nervously swallow. 

“I think this is counter-productive.”

“I think it’s very productive,” he said, pulling me closer. 

“This is the time when people are about to say ‘get a room’ to us.” 

“They would be right,” he whispered. I sighed.

“Don’t you even want your PhD Pepper?” 

“… Yes. But we have more at hooooome.”

“I’m hungry, and if I keep living off of Honey Buddha Chips like you, I’ll start to get pudgy and it will be harder for you to pick me up.” He didn’t look bothered by the idea. “We can do this later. Wait - did you say at home?” He nodded, and I could see his happiness shining through. I had never heard him refer to either of our places as collective ‘home.’

“Okay… Seven’s likability just went up 10 points! It’s already at the max, but it is now approaching infinity!” It was weird to hear him refer to himself as Seven to me. I guess it was all part of the plan which he had texted me about earlier? I laced my fingers through his and squeezed, hoping this would placate him for the time being. After all, I really did want actual food. A waiter finally approached us, and I tried to resist the urge to cringe when it occurred to me that he had been watching us and waiting for the least awkward time to interject.

“Can I take your order?” Saeyoung sized him up momentarily, and must have determined that he seemed sufficiently amused such that shenanigans wouldn’t harm him.

“Yes! Seven-Zero-Seven, defender of justice, orders you to… Dedicate your life to defeating evil!” Saeyoung, said loudly, nearly popping out of his seat. 

“Yeah. Okay. I was just wondering what you wanted to eat?” “Oh, I haven't even looked at the menu,” Yoosung said regretfully. “Do you have friend chicken?” 

“Yes.” Zoey ordered the same, and I grinned, as the waiter gave them a detailed list of sauce options.

“I want pancakes,” I said, after they finished ordering.. 

“Yes! Defenders of justice always need breakfast food. It’s the most important meal of the day.”

“Is it still breakfast if it’s at night?” “Well, if breakfast food is being served…”

“But then how is it the most important meal of the day? If it can be any meal?” He looked back at me in shock.

“I don’t know! Gahhhhh! On my home planet, there is only one meal, so I don’t have to answer such serious questions…” I could practically see his emoji bobbing back and forth with a question mark above each hand.

“Really? They have meals there? Not just Honey Buddha chips?”

“Waaait. Are snacks a meal?!” The server was patiently waiting, the corner of his mouth quirked up in amusement. He really seemed like a chill person.

“Um. Okay. Do you both want pancakes, then?”

“Yes. I want blueberry and he’ll have chocolate chip,” I answered. 

“I would also like to order a pitcher of PhD Pepper and -“

“A pitcher?” The waiter interrupted, giving him a strange look. 

“Yeah, just give him a pitcher of it, two straws, and some tape,” I explained.

“I can do that.” 

“I have some important questions,” Saeyoung said, a glint in his eye. 

“Sure.”

“So, I’ve been spending too much time with Yoosung, and I’ve caught his CONTAGIOUS proclivity to allergies.” He look around the table seriously. “So watch out, fam… unless YOU want to risk passing out and never waking up, too. Anyway,” he turned his attention back to the waiter. Yoosung looked shocked and a little guilty. “I’m DEATHLY allergic to dairy, gluten, sugar, salt, butter, oil…” I looked at him, and he kept listing items. “Grass, glass, sunlight…” Still listing items. I would have cut him off, but the waiter wasn't busy and seemed entertained. “Off-brand PhD Pepper, footless pajamas, bitterness, bad attitudes, emotional intimacy, missing my girlfriend, and I’m currently experimenting with part time veganism. So, can you promise me that none of these items will be in the food you’re serving?” 

“Probably not,” the waiter said with a smile. Saeyoung’s jaw dropped.

“What do you MEAN? I, a customer, could DIE.” Yoosung looked nervous.

“Seven, are you really allergic to all of those things? I feel like Honey Buddha Chips have salt-“

“He really is,” I said seriously. “These are late in life onset allergies.” I looked at the server without a hint of humor in my expression.

“What is part time veganism?” Zoey asked, looking like she was trying not to face palm at the absurdity.

“Part time veganism is when you are a vegan, but not all the time,” I explained.

“But then aren’t you just not a vegan?”

“Are you insulting my commitment to the vegan lifestyle?” Saeyoung gasped. 

“I understand the nature of veganism is a very interesting discussion, but it’s late, and I want to make sure you actually get to eat before the kitchen closes,” the server said, trying not to laugh., "Let me make sure I got the list right, and I’ll see what I can do.” He repeated back every single thing. “Is that correct?” 

“Yes!” Sae and I said in harmony.

“Wow,” Yoosung said, looking impressed.

“Okay - well I can definitely make sure your PhD pepper isn’t off-brand,” he smiled. “And I’ll make sure that I get you some salt free, sugar free, gluten free, oil free, dairy free, somehow still chocolate chip pancakes… the only problem is, that we only have glass pitchers.” Saeyoung looked despondent.

“Perhaps… then, just two large cups?” 

“We can do that.”

“And a milkshake,” Saeyoung finished. “Chocolate. With a cherry, and two straws. And which complies to my dietary restrictions.” He leaned over to me and whispered: “Sharing a milkshake is one of the things on my list.” My smile widened, and I squeezed his hand tightly. It was moments like this when I felt truly unburdened and truly clean, and I could tell that he felt the same way. 

“You play LOLOL?” Zoey asked. The question seemed out of the blue, but I knew that she was just continuing her train of thought from before they had been interrupted.

“Yes!” he said proudly. “I’m number two in the Shooting Star server.” Saeyoung and I made eye contact. My boyfriend was number one and his brother fourth, but it wouldn’t be long before Saeran passed both of them.

“I’ve dabbled. I’m actually a graphic design major.” 

“Will you two be okay alone together?” Saeyoung interjected.

“Um. That’s an awkward question. Why?” Zoey looked at him, confused. 

“Madeline and I have a… phone interview set up. We’re looking at an apartment tomorrow and need more information.” 

“We are?” I asked, looking up at him. I couldn’t tell if this was a joke, or if he was seriously looking for a new place.

“Yes.” 

“What’s wrong with where you live?” I asked him. The bunker had undergone serious personal modification. I would be shocked if he wanted to leave it. 

“You aren’t there. So, naturally, I need to find a place where that is not the case.” 

“Are you asking me to move in with you?” 

“Yes. And we’re going to go interview with an apartment complex. Come on,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the booth. I followed him, and the air outside was muggy. I followed him around the back of the building, until we were in an area where I was fairly certain no one would see us. He leaned casually against the wall, watching me.

“Is there cell service back here?” I asked him.

“Probably not. So, are you interested?” 

“In cell service? If we actually have a call, yes.” 

“Not in cell service. Are you interested in moving in with me?” I smiled and looked at him closely. He looked anxious. 

“You were serious? You really want to live with me?” 

“If you’re not interested, that’s totally okay - I don’t want to pressur-” He was gnawing on his lip and avoiding eye contact with me.

“And it’s okay with Saeran?”  
“More than.” 

“Yes,” I said quietly. “Of course I do.” 

“Do you mean it?” he asked, looking at me starry eyed. 

“Yes,” I said, beaming up at him.

“I can’t… I can’t believe this,” he had put his hand on his chest, and was looking at me in disbelief. 

“You should.” I looked at him. “Are you sure that you want to move out of the your house? I spent so much time learning Arabic on DuoLingo.”

“No, I don’t want to leave… is that… okay with with you?”

“Yes,” I said happily. Ever since I’d first visited his place, I could imagine myself lying on a couch there, reading, while he worked or played LOLOL with his brother. “Hmm,” I sighed. “We’ll have to get a real maid.” Although things had slightly improved since Saeran moved in (Mint Eye trained impeccable cleaning habits), Saeyoung was still a mess. At first, I did my best to throw away the Honey Buddha wrappers, but I eventually gave up and started inviting him to come to my place. 

“AGH,” he groaned. “Don’t doooo that to me.”

“What?” I asked in faux innocence..

“Stop… that sexy sound.” I grinned.

“Make me.” 

“Oh, I would be so glad to do that.” He stepped forward, no longer leaning on the wall, and pulled me closer to him.

“Close your eyes,” he whispered. I did as he asked. “And open your mouth.” I felt myself shaking  
in anticipation. Was he going to kiss me? Did he want me to suck on his fingers?

I waited for a moment and nearly choked, when I tasted… Something sweet and a little crispy? I opened my eyes in surprise and saw a wide grin on his face. 

“Nooo,” he said. “Be careful! Don’t accidentally spit out the bean paste! That’s the best part!” He had surprised me with a mini fish bun. He was holding the vendor’s bag and laughing hysterically. “Oh my god,” he gasped. “Your expression. You looked so surprised.” He could hardly breathe. I covered my mouth with my hand so that I could swallow without spilling, and then grinned at him.

“You’re so weird,” I laughed. He frowned. “In the best way. Thank you for thinking of me.”

“You have a little bean paste on your lip,” he said, and he kissed me, running his tongue across the crumbs on me. “I wish I had another…” 

“We can stop on the way home.” 

“On the way home?”

“Yes. On the way back to our home.” 

“I love hearing you say that.” He grabbed me by the waist and picked me up, spinning me around. He set me down such that I was in a tight space between him and the wall. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, kissing me sweetly, and then stepped closer. His legs were separating mine so that I could straddle his thigh and lean into him. His breath hitched when I ran my fingers across the top of his waist band. 

“Hmm. Am I between a rock and a hard place?” 

“Well, you will be if you keep doing that,” he laughed. “But don’t. I just wanna kiss you right now and then we can go see how our friends are getting along.” I nodded in agreement, and clasped my hands around his waist. He put his hand under my chin and tilted it up so that he could kiss me again, and he stepped closer again, so that our chests were touching. I ran my tongue across his lip, and he opened his mouth, so that he could kiss me more deeply. It was still hot outside, but I could hardly tell. I felt like we were the only two people in the whole world. I was simultaneously energized and at peace.

“Fuck it,” he groaned, arching his back and leaning into the sensation. He pushed my shoulder back against the wall, and unzipped his hoodie leaving me in just a thin tank top. He reached under my camisole and cupped my breasts, caressing them, making me weak, and I melted against him. He reached up to my face with one hand and grabbed it, turning so that he could kiss my neck more easily. He took no time in sinking his teeth into my sensitive skin, sucking and nipping in a way that I was certain would leave marks. This feeling of being cherished and adored, was something I would never get used to, even though now, I would have it every. Single. Day. I was going to live with Saeyoung. With my boyfriend. Each day would be an adventure - sexually, emotionally, and experientially. I was running my fingers through his hair, wondering at the way the soft curls fell, our legs intertwined, when we were interrupted.

“Um. Guys?” Yoosung was standing there, looking at us nervously.

“Hi Yoosung,” I replied. 

“Your food is ready,” he told us, and I grinned wryly, looking down at my boyfriend. 

“Lol so is Saeyou-“ Sae clamped a hand over my mouth. 

“Enough,” he whispered. “Don’t be bad. Or I’ll tickle you.” I licked his hand and he immediately released me, putting his arm around my shoulder. 

“Huh?” Yoosung was staring at us.

“Grown up talk, Yoosung,” I said, teasing him.

“We’re the same age!” I shrugged.

“Alien talk, then. It’s only for us to understand.” He shrugged and we followed him “Just wait up a sec.” Saeyoung turned towards me and knelt to pull my skirt back down, so that I was more covered.

“You’re terrible,” he said teasingly. “Do you enjoy seeing me suffer?” 

“Maybe.” I winked at him.

“Look what you’ve done to me!” He looked down at himself.

“Umm. I don’t know. Think about coding? Something complicated?”

“But binary numbers are my side ho,” he whined. “Whatever it is, you’re getting punished for this later.”

“Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Compared to the last few chapters, writing this one was a breeze. I love fluff and putting them in different situations to see how they respond. If you have any thoughts on this chapter, please review and let me know your thoughts! This is the longest chapter so far, and I think it builds lightly on some of the more plot related stuff, gives Seven a chance to showcase his trolling (something I've been wanting to put in this fic more, but it's something I'm not sure if I get right - please give any thoughts on that), and has some cute fluff and sexy time.
> 
> The song from the summary is Bon Appétit by Katy Perry. As a warning, the music video is a bit strange. I think it well captures the need to leave dinner for some alone time which Seven and Madeline felt during this chapter. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPI-mRFEIH0


	13. Fourth of July Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't help but love you,  
> Even though I try not to.  
> I can't help but want you.  
> I know that I'd die without you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13! This chapter is set about a while before where the story is now, near the end of Seven's route. The name of the chapter has very little to do with the American holiday, and much more to do with what Maddie experiences in it. If you are a continuous reader, please go back and reread chapter 11, because it underwent some major and plot important re-writes.

“God, I’ll never be good enough.” Seven had briefly paused typing and turned around on my rolly desk chair. He looked upset. Although we were making progress, and he was moving forward in searching for Saeran, he was still having pangs of insecurity which pushed through his concentration from time to time. 

“You are. You’re more than good enough.” But I wasn’t good enough for him. 

“I… am dangerous. I’m guilty.”

“Don’t push me away.”

“It’s not like that anymore. I’m willing to let you get close. I’m just in disbelief as to why you would want to.” My feelings about him were complex to explain, and he needed simple right now. 

“You’re worth it,” I said.

“But why?” He ran his hands through his hair, and turned to look at me. His eyes were darting around at my eyes, my hair, my shoulders, and finally landing on my lips. 

“We’re cut from the same cloth. Come here.” I had been nervously pacing but had taken to cleaning. I had just finished putting away all of the dishes and was leaning against the wall while we spoke. 

“You’re like 707. Not like me. And I don’t have time.” 

“I’m more like you than you think. And if you have time to have this conversation, you have time to hug me.” He stood up and walked towards me. He stood in front of me for a moment, staring, before I took his hands in mine. “Do you trust me?” He paused, contemplating my words.

“Yes.” He sounded fragile. Vulnerable.

“You make me feel warm. You’re fucking brilliant. You’re interesting. You’re devoted.

“Date Jaehee.” I sighed.  
”  
“You’re quirky.”

“She is too! Her Zen fangirl mode is so gap moe compared to her work persona that it just makes me want to die. So cute.” 

“Do you just want to see us make out?”

“… maybe.” 

“You’re goofy.”

“That’s 707.”

“No, that’s you, too. You’re protective. Even in this situation, you make me feel safe. No one else could do that.”

“No one else would put you in this situation.” I looked away. 

“You underestimate the danger in the rest of the world,” I said darkly. He looked concerned. “Don’t worry about it.” I knew he would. “It was hyperbole.” His look of worry dissipated but didn’t disappear. 

“I just.… can’t see why you would want me.” Both of us were silent, and he was still looking at my lips and biting his. 

“Do you not believe me?” I noticed a husky tone in my voice which had not been there before, I and could hear him breathing. I was tingling from my feet up. He gently shook his head. “Then let me show you.” I pulled him closer. 

“What you mea-“ I cut off his words with a kiss. Our first. He was momentarily rigid - incredibly nervous, for a moment, and I grabbed his hands and put them on my waist, pulling him closer. His hands were still until I felt his teeth graze my bottom lip, and I sighed softly. It was like he was unfrozen. He leaned in, closer to me, and ran his tongue softly across my lip. I opened my mouth so that he could kiss me more deeply, and the sensation was warming me up from the inside out. As I reached up, running my hands through his hair, he groaned, and the last of his gentleness vanished. He wrapped his arms around me, and, before I could breathe, he had pressed his body against mine, forcing me against the wall. I had never been kissed like this before, in a way that turned my veins to champagne. My heart beat was throbbing through my body, trying to burst out of my skin in every place where we were touching. As his kisses became rougher and his hands more insistent, gripping my hips, caressing my waist, and tangling in my hair, the sensation went from sparklers to fireworks. 

We broke apart after what felt like an eternity, gasping, and I leaned my head against his chest so I could hear how fast his heart was beating. It felt like a hummingbird. His breathing was shallow, and as he wrapped his arms around my waist, I could feel him shaking. 

“Was that… okay?” He asked. The nerves were palpable in his voice.

“Okay? You thought it was just okay?” I looked up at him in disbelief, and he shook his head, looking at me, cheeks red. It was unbelievably cute. The blush had spread from his cheeks all the way down his neck and to the tips of his ears, and he was seriously flushed. 

“No. It was definitely not okay. But I… You don’t mind? Kissing me?” I looked up at his eyes, and they looked a little watery.

“I want you. I need you. I need this,” I said, squeezing him. 

“How could… Madeline. I can’t. Me? Even knowing everything you know? Even knowing… who I am? The darkness inside me?” 

“I want you because of who you are. Not in spite of it.” He shook his head, still seeming unable to process my words, and looked back down at me. I smiled up at him, and he surprised me by picking me up, carrying me across the room, and gently tossing me onto my bed. I met his eyes, excitement bubbling inside of me. When he lied down next to me, I rolled over and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“No,” he said, instead, taking my hands to his lips and kissing my fingers. “I can’t…” I looked at him, eyes wide. “It’s too much right now. Just let me hold you.” I rolled on my side, and, after setting his glasses on the bedside table, he did the same. He wrapped his arms around me, his face in my hair. This was feeling of safety more profound than I had ever known. With him, I felt whole.

We lay still for a while, and, when he thought I was sleeping, I felt him shivering and hot tears running down my neck.

“Please,” he whispered. “Please, let this last, and let me be enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to keep exploring early moments in their relationship as the story progresses. The song from the Summary is "War of Hearts," by Ruelle. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5paJrsIkqg
> 
> Please leave a review if you like the fic or have any thoughts on the way I'm writing Seven! This is the most vulnerable he has been in the story thus far, so I want to make sure I got it right. :)


	14. Family Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Home, let me come home.  
> Home is wherever I'm with you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14! This chapter has slight spoilers for the game Amnesia: Memories.

“Sae,” I called. 

“What?” Both Saeyoung and Saeran responded, turning around to see what I was asking for.

“This is why you need to start calling him Baeven,” Saeran called back, laughing. I heard a pillow hit him. 

“Oh, Saeran… Only you can call me Baeven,” he responded in a breathy falsetto.

“For clarity, I meant Saeyoung.” My boyfriend walked out of my bedroom and into the kitchen, where I was packing up my dishes. I lowered my voice. “I think someone has been in here?” 

“What?” He sounded alarmed. “Why?” 

“Well, have you been watching the CCTV?” 

“No. You’ve been with me.”

“Some things of mine have been moved around, and I can’t find my computer.”

“What? The desktop is still here.” 

“Not the RFA computer - my personal laptop.”

“Are you sure it didn’t just get lost in the move?”

“Not 100%, but can you keep an eye out and tell me if you notice anything which is out of place?” He nodded. 

“Maddie, don’t freak out.” 

“What?” 

“The window that Saeran came through, before… is slightly opened.” 

“Okay. It definitely wasn’t like that before.” I felt my heart start to pound.

“Don’t worry, Madeline. You’re going to be with me, from now on.” I honestly wasn’t too concerned about the security of my apartment after I moved out. There was no reason for it to be targeted, with no RFA information there, and Saeyoung’s bunker was about as safe as was humanly possible.

“Are you sure he’s okay with me being there?” He laughed.

“Madeline. It was his idea.” Wow. I didn’t expect that at all. 

“Zen is running late,” I said with a frown. “Didn’t Yoosung and Jaehee say they would help out, too?” He grinned. As if, on queue, the doorbell rang. Zen, Yoosung, Jaehee, and Jumin were all standing outside, boxes in hand, grinning at me.

“Congrats!” Said Yoosung, happily running up to give me a hug.

“What? Why?” 

“On moving in! We’ve all been waiting forever. We came here to help you pack, but-“

“I hired movers,” Jumin interrupted. “We can all go out to lunch, instead.” I looked at Saeyoung nervously. Even though I would be gone from the apartment, the last thing I wanted was something being planted which would cause an insecurity. 

“Jumin, where did you find these people?” He asked.

“Huh? Oh, they’re great. Very professional, and paid very well. You don’t have to worry about theft or anything.” 

“It’s okay, Maddie. We’ll just unpack carefully,” Saeyoung said, reassuring me. He must feel so safe, to say something like that. I remembered when he got nervous if I was out of his sight. But there was still a problem…

“The RFA computer?” I asked nervously. 

“I brought a safe,” Jumin said, looking at me seriously. Of course he had. Zen walked past me, a shallowly sunny expression on his face. When I hadn’t been watching, Saeran had unplugged everything, and handed it all to him. I looked at him in confusion.

“I’m stronger and more graceful,” he said proudly. “I won’t drop anything.” He disappeared for a moment outside.

“Jaehee,” I said, getting her attention. “You look amazing.” She did. She had a happy expression on her face and was wearing a deep purple suit, instead of her regular black. She blushed a little at my compliment. 

“Really? I thought maybe it was a bit too much.”

“Not at all. You look gorgeous.”

“You do look nice, Jaehee. That color is great with your skin,” Zen said, coming back inside.

“Where would you like to eat?” She asked, deflecting the conversation from her beauty, looking extremely flustered and embarrassed. I sighed and wished she was more comfortable talking about herself.

“I’m going to let Jumin pick.” I looked over at him. He was carefully instructing the movers.

“What?” Zen asked, his voice a little too loud. “Why Trustfund?!” 

“He has probably eaten out more than anyone here, no? I’m sure he knows somewhere great.” Zen grumbled.

“I mean, maybe, if you want to go somewhere stuffy and boring.”

“I’m sure we can find somewhere which works for you, too,” I responded, attempting diplomacy with full knowledge that it wouldn’t be effective. He sighed.

“I’ve been to a lot of great places, too. Directors like to take me out, sometimes, to talk about roles.”

“Besides,” said Yoosung, “I don’t think I can afford anywhere that Jumin likes to eat.”

“My treat,” Jumin replied, turning around to talk to us. “I want to celebrate our members. Especially since we haven’t been able to all get together since the party.” Even Zen looked somewhat grateful.

“Thanks, Jumin,” I said, giving him a small hug. He looked alarmed and patted my shoulder before turning away, his face red.

“I care about RFA,’ he mumbled.

“You know,” Saeran said, mischief on his face. “I think if Madeline weren’t with my brother, I can totally see her dating Jumin.” Jumin’s face became even redder, and Zen looked at him in disbelief.

“What?! Bro, seriously? Him? Maddie would never-“ I cut him off, laughing.

“This conversation is ridiculous. Saeran, please don’t cause drama. We can talk about this later, just the two of us, if you want.” I didn’t want to disrupt the group, but I couldn’t help teasing just a little bit. He grinned. I could see the gears turning in his mind - such a sadist. He had to love the squirming this was causing.

“Wh-what? Is that really something you should say to his brother? I, on the other hand, am more than happy to discuss-“ Zen offered.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Saeyoung, wrapping his arms around me from behind, kissing the side of my head. “Maddie belongs to me.” I smiled and turned around to face him.

“That’s right.” I said, pressing my lips softly against his. This kiss was brief and chaste, but it was a sufficient reminder.

“G-guys? I don’t want to mess up another dinner,” Yoosung said, laughing uncomfortably.

“What are you talking about?” Zen asked, and I felt my face flush.

“It’s nothing,” I said, trying not to grimace. “Where did you want to eat, Jumin?” He gave a list of options, most of which were dismissed by Zen, but with some mediation by Jaehee, they were finally able to settle for somewhere both upscale and trendy.

“Wait - what really happened at the the other dinner?” Zen asked, again. 

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s go.” We exited my apartment, going our separate ways. My things were being carefully loaded onto a moving truck, and I could see a safe in the back of Jumin’s limo. I smiled. Jumin had given Yoosung and Jaehee a ride in his limo, Zen had followed them on his motorcycle, and Saeran and Saeyoung had taken one of my boyfriend’s cars, here, together.

“Shotgun,” Saeran said, laughing. “I don’t even want to think about what has happened in the backseat of this car.” I choked back a laugh.  


“Well, nothing in this particular car, but I respect your request. I’m shorter.” Saeyoung opened my door for me, like he always did, and put his hand on my lower back to help me not to trip. 

“Nothing in the backseat of this car, at least,” Saeyoung muttered, turning the key. 

“Huh?” Saeran asked, not having heard him. Neither of us answered. “You know,” he said. “Three-ways are a thing.”

“What? Saeran are you asking us?” Saeyoung sounded a little surprised but not entirely disinterested. 

“Not for me.” 

“I really don’t think Jaehee would be dow-“

“Why, Baeven? Do you have a crush on her?” He teased.

“No. But I think Maddie might.” I laughed. The true answer to Saeran’s question of ‘who other than Saeyoung would Maddie date’ was definitely a bisexual Jaehee. 

“I mean, if she were interested, I’d totally wife her up.”

“Hey,” Saeyoung whined. I laughed. 

“You don’t have anything to worry about,” I said, smiling at him. “Although… I think she can get a nickname like yours… Baehee,” I said, smiling. 

“I was talking,” Saeran said with a sigh. “About Zen.” 

“Zen?” 

“Yeah. I mean, he’s so into-“

“Jumin? Right? I think we all know the answer to “Does Jumin Han is Gay?” said Saeyoung. He was chuckling, but there was tension in his voice. Saeran shook his head and looked back at me.

“You don’t even want to hear the truth, do you?” 

“No,” Saeyoung replied for me. “Let’s enjoy lunch.” What were they talking about?

It didn’t take us long to arrive at the restaurant. It was busy, but a generous tip from Jumin - despite a half-hearted complaint from Zen - let us skip the line without a reservation. It was round, so we could all see each other. I was sitting in between Zen and Saeyoung (I’d wanted to sit next to someone else since I saw him all the time, but he wasn’t having it), and we were chatting happily about a new musical that Zen was in. 

“It’s based on this game called Amnesia - I play this character Ikkyu. They wanted me to cut my hair, but I’m wearing a wig, instead. Just like me in real life, Ikkyu is surrounded by female admirers, but he only wants to be with his one true love. The woman who can’t be attracted by his superficial charm.” I heard Jumin snort in amusement, but Saeyoung just nodded happily, glad to hear he was succeeding. The casting was truly spot-on. Although Zen wasn't really a womanizer, he shared some of Ikki's narcissism and they even looked somewhat alike. “It has an interesting cast of characters. A little like us.” 

“Who do you think is most like Saeyoung?” I asked.

“Hmm,” he said, thinking. “No one, really. There is a character like Jumin, though. His name is Toma.” 

“No. Jumin is DEFINITELY Kent,” I replied. “They both have the whole ‘bad at feelings’ thing going for them.” Yoosung nodded, agreeing with me. 

“But Jumin can be so controlling. I can totally see him doing the stuff that Toma did in his route.”

“I mean sure,” I said. “But Elizabeth is a cat. Cages make a lot more sense for pets than women.”

“Maybe,” Zen said, seeming unconvinced. Jaehee and Jumin were both staring at us blankly.

“I would never put Elizabeth in a cage,” Jumin replied, finally. “I like her to roam free, in the penthouse.” 

“Or in my apartment,” Jaehee grumbled. I noticed that Saeran was silent, picking at his food. 

“Saeran,” I said. “Can I talk to you?” The entire table turned to look at us.

“It’s just about some living arrangements. Don’t worry. We’ll be back soon.” Saeyoung looked worried, and everyone else looked confused.

“I don’t like her being alone with him.” I heard Zen as we walked away. “I know he’s Saeyoung’s brother, but I still worry -“ 

“Don’t you think you would have a psychic dream if anything was going to happen?” Asked Yoosung. This seemed to comfort Zen a little, but I had seen Saeran’s face crumple a little at his words. We walked onto the patio, where the outside seating was, so that no one from our group could hear us.

“Saeran, are you okay?” 

“I’m not Saeyoung,” he said tersely. “You can’t manic pixie dream girl my problems away.”

“What?” His words stung. “You don’t really believe that’s what happened, do you?” He exhaled deeply, looking almost lost in thought.

“Do you agree with Zen? You think it’s not safe to be around me?”

“Would I be here if that was the case?” He sighed, running his hand through his hair. He looked so like Saeyoung in that moment. 

“No. And I don't believe what I said a minute ago, either. But… this is hard. People trying to get close to me…”

“I never actually asked you about moving in. Saeyoung said it was okay, but…”

“It’s a little late, now. Don’t you think?” My chest hurt.

“Do you not want me there?”

“No,” he said. “I do. You make him happy.”

“But I don’t make you unhappy, do I?” 

“No. I don’t know if he told you, but it was my idea.

“Thank you,” I said, looking at him seriously. “For saying that to him. That he should ask me to move in. Is there anything you want from me? Anything I can do to repay you?” He shook his head.

“Maddie… Just… be happy, okay?” I grimaced. “I know you aren’t. Always.” I sighed.

“Did he tell you? And I'm actually... okay, right now.”

“I could just tell.” We were both quiet for a moment. “Are you really okay with me being there? With you and Saeyoung?” He sounded brittle.

“What? You live there. I’m moving in. You aren't going anywhere, right?” He shook his head. 

“You belong there, more than I do. I understand if you want me to leave… I just. Don’t have anywhere to go. I’m worried that you and brother… will get rid of me. Kick me out. And then I’ll be alone.” He looked shaken up. "I... can't trust him. Still. But you haven't given me a reason to think you'll fuck me over. Yet." 

“Saeran,” I said, looking at him in disbelief. “I would never ask you to leave.”

“That’s not enough. I don’t want to just be tolerated because you're a kind person. I need to know that you want me there.”

“I’m not being nice. I do want you there. You make me happy. You make both of us happy.” 

“How could I… do that?”

“Just being there,” I said with a smile. “You’re important to me too.” 

“Maddie… I think you’re really good for my brother.”

“Why do you say that?” 

“Because… when you say things like that, you seem like the kind of person who would never hurt someone like I’ve been hurt.” 

“I would never do that to Saeyoung. Or to you. I’m here for both of you. Forever.” He gazed at me, looking small and afraid. 

“Can I hug you?” He nodded, and I wrapped my arms around him gently. 

“Thank you,” I said again. “I know this is difficult. You make him happy, too.” He was stiff, but he carefully hugged me back. We were both quiet for a moment, and I took a deep breath. “What did you mean, earlier?”

“What?” 

“About ‘hearing the truth?’” He shook his head.

“Some things are better left unsaid.” I sighed, but maybe he was right. I thought of James. Some things were just not to be shared. We walked back to the table. Saeran looked much more relaxed - maybe even happy - and had started eating his food. Saeyoung seemed to notice the difference.  


“Thank you,” he whispered. “I don’t know what you did, but… it helped.” 

“We just talked a little about me moving in. I think he was anxious. I’ll tell you more later.” 

“I think having you move in was the right call,” he said, smiling.

“Me too. I love you.” He murmured it back to me, and I caught Zen, with a dour expression on his face. “You know, Zen. Frowning uses a lot of muscles. Don’t tire out your face before rehearsal tonight.” He just sighed. 

“I’ll be okay, Maddie,” he said, his voice sounding slightly dampened. 

“What? Is there something you need to talk about? Do you need alone time, too?”

“No,” said Saeyoung. “Maddie, your food is getting cold.” 

“But if Zen needs me-“

“You need to eat,” he said firmly. 

“I promise, I’ll eat. Zen, we’ll talk later, okay?” He nodded but didn’t make eye contact with me. 

“Yoosung, how are your grades?” Jumin asked.

“Um, I’m actually doing pretty well. I think I’ll get an ‘A’ in all of my summer classes.”

“You never properly thanked me for calling your mom.”

“Ugh,” Zen groaned. “I still maintain that your call was way out of line.” 

“Zen, I just wanted to help him.” Zen rolled his eyes in disbelief.

“It’s okay,” said Yoosung. “I understand.” 

“When do you want to take an internship at my company?” Jumin asked, looking at Yoosung.

“Well… I’m not sure if it’s really my career field. I think I want to go to vet school.” He smiled. I twisted my mouth at the thought of searching for a job. It was not going well for me. 

“I advise against it,” said Jaehee, looking at him seriously. 

“Do you have a complaint against your work conditions, Assistant Kang? Do we need to go to HR? I want to make sure everyone at my company is satisfied.” Jaehee shook her head. As Zen and Jumin started to bicker, I felt something warm in my chest. 

"Hygge," I murmured under my breath, looking around at them all.

“Did you say something?” Saeyoung asked.

“Hygge. It’s a danish word. It means coziness. Contentment. Friendship. That’s what I feel right now.” He took my hand, smiling.

“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing scenes with the group, and the way Saeran and Maddie's friendship is progressing makes me really happy. I'm a little worried, though, that he was more vulnerable in this chapter than he should have been written. I would love your thoughts on this - please review!
> 
> The song from the summary is "Home" by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes. I think it describes pretty well both Maddie and Seven's relationship, and the role that RFA plays to all of it's members. 
> 
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmtmgxk2J1g


	15. Christening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whenever I'm alone with you,  
> You make me feel like I am home again.  
> Whenever I'm alone with you,  
> You make me feel like I am whole again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 15 - CW for sex and mild BDSM. There's also a small spoiler for Tei's route of Nameless.

Saeran was asleep in his room, and the tension between Saeyoung and I had been building all day. It started out as small things - leaning just a little too close in the restaurant, brushing my thighs against his, poking me when I wasn't expecting it. The longer we spent together that day, the more intense it became, and it was nearly unbearable. 

“So,” I said. 

“So,” he replied. I felt like my body was being drawn to him like a magnet. Every part of me was hyper-sensitized.

“We haven’t celebrated yet. Just the two of us.”

“I bought champagne,” he said, smiling.

“Where do you want to do this? One of your cars?” He shook his head. 

“No. I want it to be something… that we haven’t done before you moved in.” 

“Clean?” I stared at him, point blank.

“Lol. So savage. No.” He paused. “You know, I have always wanted to fuck you on my counter.” 

“I’m down.” He walked towards the fridge and pulled out the bottle. It foamed as he opened it, but, being him, with his adept hands, Saeyoung didn’t spill a drop. He filled two glasses, which we clinked together before drinking. The feeling of the bubbles went straight to my core, like alcohol often did, and my body was screaming at me to get my hands on him. He walked across the room to me, touching me directly for the first time in what felt like forever. Sure, we had kissed this morning, but it had been chaste and quick, so his fingers, even touching me delicately, felt like they were leaving stars on my body. I threw his hoodie onto the ground and kissed him. I felt a spark of desire cross from my mouth to his as he moaned softly at my kiss. He put his hand on my chin, angling my face so he could thrust his tongue more deeply into my mouth, teasing me to death. 

“Can I rip your shirt?” 

“Please,” I groaned. He yanked my blouse open, scattering buttons across the tile floor and leaving me bare chested except for my bra.

“Did you dress up for me?” I was wearing red, something which I knew made him even more desperate to touch me.

“No,” I smiled. “I dressed up for me.” 

“That’s so hot.” He grabbed me by the waist and hoisted my body onto the island counter so we could get closer, and he grabbed my knees, opening my legs so he could stand between them. He reached up my skirt. The skin on my legs was getting goosebumps under the sheer fabric, and the feeling of his hands on the silky material sliding so easily up my thigh, was sending intense waves of heat to my core.

“Agh,” I cried out, flinching at the sting on my leg from his fingers lifting the strap of my garter and snapping it down on my bare skin. Something about today was unique - I was just feeling everything so much more strongly. Although it had just been a small elastic pinch, it had resonated waves of pleasure as large as when he usually hit me. 

“You don’t like it?” He looked surprised. 

"I do." He kissed me again, fumbling around under my skirt and trying to figure out how he was going to fuck me without taking the belt or stockings off. Dork. “There are ties on the sides,” I murmured. 

“Of what?”

“My panties. If you pull on the bows…” He did as I asked and was soon holding the silky material in his hands. 

“I like this.” He tossed them onto the ground and slid his hand up my thigh again. His callous fingers teased me, gently parting my folds before he began stroking me with his thumb and using his pointer and middle fingers to delve inside, pressuring just the right places. 

“Sae,” I moaned softly.

“Yeah?” 

“Ah - fuck,” I gasped. “I just wanted to say that your hands are - agh!” He smirked as he ran his finger directly along my nub.

“What were you saying?” 

“So -“ I sharply inhaled. There was no way he was going to let me talk. 

“Sorry, Madeline, you’ll have to speak up,” he teased, pressing his finger into my G spot, sending shock waves of euphoria from my toes to where he was touching me. 

“Oh my god, Saeyoung.” He leaned over the counter-top to kiss me. The gentle scrape of his teeth along my bottom lip, and his tongue dipping into my mouth tortured me, but not as much as when he stopped touching me and put his hands on my shoulders, pushing me. My arms collapsed under his weight and I fell flat on my back, onto the counter. “Why?” I groaned. I was throbbing - I had been so close. He didn’t say anything for a moment and just grinned smugly at me. 

“I think I’ve been too nice to you today.” I squeezed my eyes shut. 

“Why?” I asked with a falsely innocent pout.

“You left me alone at lunch today. I didn’t like that. And then I had to make you stay, so you didn’t go talk to Zen.” 

“Saeeee. Pleeeeease just let me come.” 

“No.” I looked at him. He was officially shifting from sweet boyfriend to dom mode.

“You’re such a tease... Master.”

“Yes.” He was widely grinning and began loudly sucking on his fingers - I couldn’t get enough of the sound. When he caught me watching, he took my hand, and started gently biting and running his teeth over the ridges of each of my fingers. “Are you enjoying yourself?” He asked, as I whimpered.

“No, Master,” I said, grinning. “I’m enjoying you.” His cheeks tinged pink as he looked down at me, his smile widening.

“Maddie, you’ve been so naughty. Don’t worry, though… I won’t punish you too badly,” he whispered. I pulled him closer so that I could pull off his shirt and kiss along his neck, but he pushed me back again.

“No touching.” His jeans looked uncomfortably tight at this point, and he unbuckled them, and reached to unzip my skirt, tossing it to the ground. He stood in front of me, looking painfully sexy, just wearing his glasses and black boxers, and I looked back at him, in my lingerie, and reached my hand under his waistband, teasing him with my fingers. He was watching me, and I felt him twitch under my touch as I bit down on my bottom lip, gently scraping it through my teeth. He was mesmerized for a moment but then shook his head at me, and grabbed my hand, away. He looked at me for a minute and then bit it.

“Ow,” I yelped, wincing. 

“I said, ‘no touching.’ Put your hands above your head. Are you okay with a soft restraint?” I nodded. He disappeared from the room momentarily and returned with a two pieces of silky material, which he gently tied around my arms, being careful to avoid the places where they had been most recently cut. He pushed my arms back and linked the rope along the counter handles, tying me in place. “Tell me if you need me to untie you, okay?” I nodded. Considerate dom Sae was my sexual ideal. “I love looking at you like this. You can’t run away from me, now.” 

“I wouldn’t, anyway.” He shook his head at me. 

“You wouldn’t let Miss Mary talk,” he murmured. “Maybe I shouldn't let you say anything either. Far too mouthy.”

“Well, if you fuck me hard enough, you won’t even need to give me any order-“

“Shh,” he whispered. “I want to watch you squirm and not be able to say a thing about it. So be quiet, or I’ll have to put something in your sexy mouth.” I nodded. He grabbed my legs, pulling me towards him, so my arms yanked at the ties. He put my legs over his shoulders, and started kissing down my thigh. I bit my tongue, shaking my head at him in disbelief, but couldn't help but gasp when he sunk his teeth into the soft flesh on my upper leg, right above the top of my stocking.

“Fuck,” he groaned. “You’re so sexy. And mine. But did I hear you make a noise?” I shook my head. “I did. You gasped.” He pushed down on my shoulder and slapped me across the chest, leaving a sharp, stinging sensation on my breasts. I couldn’t help but moan, and he clicked his tongue at me. 

“I guess I’ll just have to gag you.” 

“No,” I whimpered. “P-please. Don’t gag me.” 

“More insubordination? And you didn’t even address me as master?” He slapped me again, and I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to make any noise. He walked out of the room again, leaving me there, immobile, before returning with another piece of silk, which he tied carefully around my face so that I couldn’t speak.

“Can you breathe okay? ” I nodded. “Remember, if you need me to stop, snap your fingers. Can you do that?” I did, and he went back to kissing me, but skipped my thighs, and put his mouth directly between my legs. The world went a little grey as he put his tongue on my clit, stimulating it without warning or pause. I clenched my thighs, and I was shaking all the way down to my feet. When he noticed, he ran his fingernail sharply from my toe to my heel, sending a zing all the way through me. As he kept teasing me, I started shaking more intensely - he could tell I was going to come, and stopped kissing me, slapping my leg, and digging his fingernails into me after, leaving a long mark down my thigh. “I didn’t tell you that you could come before me.” He took off his boxers and paused for a moment after carefully applying his condom. “Are you green?” I nodded, and he pressed himself inside me, and he stood there for a moment, relishing the feeling. “Wrap your legs around me.” I did as he said, crossing them around his waist, and he pressed his fingers into my hips. He stared at me for a moment more and then began burying himself inside of me, fucking me so hard that I felt like I was going to crack into pieces. 

“You look. So. Good. Right now,” he said, words spilling out of his mouth in between thrusts. “I love. Seeing. You. Helpless.” He slapped me across the chest again and slowed down slightly. “Are you going to cry for me, angel?” When I didn’t answer, he leaned across the counter, and gave a sharp pull on my hair, causing the silk ties to dig into my wrists. I flinched and shook my head. He sighed. “That’s okay. Another time. I would have loved to see the tears, though. You look so stunning with your eyes wet.” I don’t know how much time passed, but he finished more quickly than I would have liked, moaning my name as he left bruises on my hips from his fingers. 

“You were such a good girl,” he murmured, walking around me to kiss me on the forehead. He untied the gag around my mouth so I could speak.

“Thank you, Master,” I gasped. “Will you let me come?” He kissed my lips gently. 

“You were so good. Yes. Where would you like me to touch you?” He threw away his condom, and after wiping himself off, he looked back at me.

“Could you surprise me, Master?” He nodded and tied the cloth that had been covering my mouth around my eyes. I heard him walk around the counter and heard him getting something out of the fridge. I yelped as I felt something cold on the bottom of my feet. He gently ran an ice cube up my legs, pausing wherever he had bit me before to kiss me. The feeling of his hot mouth where the cold had just been felt like fire. He used the ice all the way up me, stopping in my most sensitive place and again on my breasts. He held the ice cube there, on my nipples, for a moment, melting it, and then leaned down to kiss me on my chest, trailing the ice back down me and dropping it to the ground after it gently hovering it by my sex. As he sucked on my chest, he put his fingers back inside of me. There had been blood flowing to the area for what had felt like forever, since he had fingered me earlier. He knew my body so well - exactly where and how forcefully to touch me. He patiently sucked me and rubbed his fingers inside of me until a particularly forceful bite on my chest finally sent me over the edge. 

“Agh - oh my god - fuck, thank you, master. Ugh - I love you.” I felt like I was bursting - pressure points all over my body were releasing immense feelings of bliss. I was trembling, and a tear rolled down my cheek, landing on the counter. I usually wasn’t this verbal, but this was a particularly intense orgasm, and his house echoed. The sound of my moans in it was something I could really get used to. 

“You cried for me,” he said quietly, looking at my eyes. "Thank you." He untied my wrists so I could sit up, and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close. “How do you feel?” 

“Just hold me, okay?” He nodded and, after looking around at the mess we had made, muttered that it could be taken care of in the morning. “Shouldn’t we tell Saeran not too like, cook here or something?” 

“Saeran doesn’t cook. Let me take care of you, sweet girl.” He picked me up, and I curled tightly against his chest, listening to his heart beating. 

“I like the sound,” I murmured. 

“It beats for you, my love.” I smiled up at him, and he set me gently down on his bed, and handed me a bottle of water from a package on his floor. “I can’t wait to wake up with you here, everyday.” 

“Me either.” I gulped down the water, feeling my body relax as I melted into the mattress.” 

“Do you want tea?” I nodded. I laid flat on my back, gazing up at his ceiling. He came back and handed me a cup of hot liquid in a mug.

“This smells nice.”

“It’s called ZZZ.”

“Really?” I looked at him skeptically. "That sounds fake.

“No,” he laughed. “I don’t want to take after other redheads. That sounds like the kind of tea someone would drug.”

“What?” 

“Just giving my regards to Tei for anyone reading. It’s chamomile.” I sipped the sweet liquid and it warmed me from the inside out.

“Tei? What are you saying?” The scene must have gotten to me, because he was speaking gibberish. 

“Don’t worry about it, my love.” He finally took his shirt off, and helped me take off my bra, belt, and stockings. “I love the way your clothes look on my floor.” I smiled and rubbed my nose against his, giving him an eskimo kiss. “Do you want to take a bath with me?” I shook my head. 

“I’m tired.” 

“Do you want something to sleep in?” I nodded, and he walked across the room.

“DAMN,” I said, loudly. “Dat ass though.” He laughed and walked back to me, handing me one of his t-shirts.

“Why is this so big? You aren’t that much taller than me.” He shrugged, and I slipped it on. I lay back down beside him, listening to the gentle hum of his breathing. Saeyoung rolled on his side to face me, and reached his hand around to stroke my hair.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” He grinned and gently kissed me.

“Do you still feel scared? That I’ll reject you now that I see who you are?” I looked away.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.” 

“Okay,” he nodded. I just want you to feel safe with me.” I looked away. “Madeline. Listen to me. I will never leave you. Okay?” 

“You can’t say that.”

“Yes, my love, I can. And I will. Every day, for the rest of our lives.”

“If you keep saying that, love, I might really believe it.” He clapped his hands to turn off the light. 

“Look up.” His ceiling was covered with glow in the dark stars and planets. I saw some numbers and squinted - it said 606 + 707. “Do you see the numbers?” 

“Yeah.” 

“That’s us. I put us there because I want you and I to last forever. As permanent as the sky above us. Let’s get married in the space station, darling.” I loved it when he said that. I would love it even more if he meant it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please review if you get the chance! 
> 
> The song from the summary is Lovesong by The Cure.  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lv5qN4Qn9ss


	16. Summertime Gladness Pt I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sun is shinin' in the sky  
> There ain't a cloud in sight  
> It's stopped rainin' everybody's in a play  
> And don't you know  
> It's a beautiful new day, hey hey"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I've updated, but I've been feeling pretty discouraged about my work. In the mean time, I've written like, another 30k words - I just need to make it all a little more cohesive, which is what I've been working on. Letting them be happy a little longer, because things are about to go rapidly downhill soon enough. CW in this chapter for sexual content.

“Let’s go to the beach.” The three of us were hanging around the house, doing nothing in particular. None of us were working, and I had a light week in homework. Saeyoung looked at me momentarily and then laughed.

“I sunburn pretty easily.” His voice was almost _almost_ smooth enough for me to believe that was the actual concern. Almost.

“Please? I do too. We can block and we don’t have to stay for long.” He still looked apprehensive.

“It’s not safe. You know. The agency, and stuff. I worry.”

“You didn't care that I went barhopping while Saeran was in the hospital.”

“If I had known, I would have cared!” 

“Well nothing bad happened!”

“Don’t be so sure.”

“Don’t be so cryptic! Even if it did, that has nothing to do with the beach. We’ll be fine!”

“You can’t say that.”

“We’ll take Saeran. He’ll scare people off if they bother us.” Saeyoung flinched. Oops. Had that been insensitive because of Saeran’s violent past?

“Why are you cringing, brother? Mad because Madeline thinks I’m more intimidating and manly than you?” 

“Yep. You caught me. All of the cross-dressing is really just me expressing insecurity about my masculinity,” my boyfriend said, voice full of sarcasm.

“It’s okay, Saeyoung. We can't all be dripping with sex appeal and send off edgy vibes.”

“… We’re identical.”

“Are we? I think I’m a bit taller. Definitely buffer. And the tattoo definitely adds to the effect. But this isn’t about appearance. It’s about raw charisma. You wouldn't understand. I’m an alpha.” Saeran had puffed out his chest a little, and I was no longer 100% certain if he was joking, but I choked back a laugh when I saw his smirk.

“Don’t laugh at me, Madeline. You’re the one who brought it up.” Saeyoung looked at me sideways. Was he jealous?

“Is he right Saeyoung? Are you jealous?” I winked at him. 

“Why would I be jealous? I’m willing to accept that Saeran gives off way sexier bad boy vibes than I do, but that’s not even your type…” He paused, and I saw a flicker of vulnerability in his eyes. “…Right?”

“Hmm…” Saeyoung flushed a little at the sound of me sighing. “I don’t know. I’ve never tried it before. What do you think Saeran?”

“Oh, I hardcore ship us. I can totally see you two-timing brothers.” Laughter bubbled through my chest. 

“Jealous _now_ , Saeyoung?” I loved teasing him, and a little pout that had appeared on his lip. 

“… maybe. But no one will steal you away from me, not even Baeran.” He grabbed my hands and pulled me onto his lap so he could eskimo kiss me. He rested his hands on my waist and then press his lips against mine, eyes slightly closing as he leaned into the sensation. Saeyoung kissed me deeply, but stopped momentarily to whisper in my ear.

“We’ll see how you like being teased.” He dug his fingers into my side momentarily, and I flinched.

“Hmm?” 

“You’ll see later.” Oops. I’d accidentally signed up for delayed gratification. I felt Saeran’s eyes on us and felt momentarily uncomfortable. “I don’t like sharing, Saeyoung said, turning around to grin cheekily at his brother.

“So,” I said, breaking the mildly awkward silence. “Beach?” Saeran nodded enthusiastically.

“You just want to see Maddie in a bathing suit.”

“Saeyoung, for fuck’s sake. Can you not sexualize her for like, 10 seconds?” Saeyoung furrowed his brow in confusion. “Ugh, but even aside from that, you realize Maddie walks around here in a towel, right? And it’s not exactly like the two of you keep your ‘intimate moments’ out of shared living spaces.” I grimaced.

“Welp. This conversation has happened, and we can't ever take it back. Unfortunately. Sae,” I said, making eye contact with my boyfriend. “I’m going to the beach with Saeran. You can come, or not.”

“…Fine.” I grinned and wrapped my arms around his neck, leaning in to kiss him again

***  
The drive to the beach should have only lasted a few hours. Given the travel crew, I should have known it was going to take ages. Saeyoung got caught up in singing along with the new Taylor Swift song - over and _over_ again, and had taken a million wrong turns. When he wasn’t getting lost, he was trying to stop at every mildly interesting tourist site along the road. Even though we got started early, his lack of attentiveness landed us stuck in morning traffic. Saeran was quiet for the majority of the journey, until his laptop died, and he could no longer play LOLOL with his hotspot. Then, without headphones, he quickly became annoyed with his brother’s jubilance. I was never sure when their bickering would spill over into actual anger, so I did my best to keep it in check. Changing the radio to American music which neither Choi knew seemed to do the trick. Saeyoung stopped singing, and Saeran sat quietly, taking in the unfamiliar sound. 

When we finally arrived, Saeyoung was jumping around, stretching. He even did a cartwheel. Saeran was a gloomy cloud, in comparison, but I could tell that, deep down, he would enjoy this. The setup was equally complicated. Putting together tents with two people, neither of whom can be bothered to follow instructions, was both humorous and arduous. I could have done it in half the time by myself, but I let them assist, not wanting to bruise egos. Once our things were set up on the beach and our tent pitched, we got ready to head swimming. Saeran was in his tent, looking through his suitcase for a solar charger for his laptop, which I knew for a fact he wouldn’t find (I had hidden it and wouldn't give it to him unless it became urgent. I wasn’t going to take his coping mechanism away if he needed it; I just wanted to give him a push.) My boyfriend and I were alone, standing around on our campsite and getting ready.

“DAMN GIRL.” Saeyoung was staring at me, looking a little flushed as I peeled my clothes off to reveal the bikini I was wearing underneath. “I like this.” He teasingly flicked one of the straps off my shoulder and grinned at me. “I like this a lot.” 

“Sae. You’ve seen me naked. Like, on the reg. Why is seeing me in a bikini different?”

“Because you look so good. Like, I can see my beautiful girlfriend every day and still tell her when she looks stunning in a new outfit, right? The same principle applies.” He rested his hands on my waist and kissed me, running his hands up and down and toying with the back of my top.

“Your turn,” I said, raising an eyebrow at him. Saeyoung looked mildly nervous. “Dude, I see you shirtless, like, all the time.” He tentatively pulled his t-shirt off, and he was right to be worried - about sunburn. His skin was as creamy white as always. I took a moment to admire Saeyoung. He was just my type - toned but lean. I didn’t like guys who were too muscular, and Saeyoung was just right. He had a few birthmarks on his tummy, which I loved, and they stood out under the sun. I kissed him again, trailing my lips across his bare shoulder. He hummed happily. “You need to block.”

“I hate the way it feels, though. So icky.”

“Did you just say icky?”

“Yes! It’s icky.” 

“Well you won’t hate it as much as a sunburn.” Saeyoung pouted but acquiesced to my wishes. I took my time, squeezing it out of the bottle and rubbing it thoroughly into his back, scratching him softly every softly now and again to help distract from the sunblock feeling.

“You’re right. This isn’t so bad.” I smiled, and started blocking his front. Massaging the white liquid into his chest. He giggled softly when I reached his tummy, and I stopped momentarily to tickle him. Saeyoung squealed and shook his head at me, grin wide as I ran my fingers across his stomach to tease him. Before I knew what was happening, my world was spinning. Saeyoung had picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder.

“I thought you were a defender of justice! Kidnapping a lady against her will isn’t very heroic.” 

“Who said I’m a good guy right now? Madeline, you know I’m a complicated man.” His voice an amalgamation of humor, darkness, and throaty arousal. My arms and legs flailing a bit, he kept hauling me back to where we’d parked. 

“Put me down,” I whined. He stopped walking for a moment and turned his head to give me a quick kiss on the side of my butt. When we finally reached our destination, he unceremoniously plunked me down, seating me on on the front of his car, and pushed me back slightly, holding me gently by the waist and pressing my legs open with his body, so I could cross my ankles behind his back. Thankfully we’d parked in the shade, so my skin wasn’t burned by the car - this would have been extremely painful had the car been left in the sun. Saeyoung showered me with kisses, on my mouth, my forehead, my cheeks, and finally onto my neck, nipping at me. Things started to heat up, and he kept one hand wrapped around my back to support me and the other to trace his fingers across my stomach. I moaned slightly as he reached to cup my breast, pressing his palm against me while he teased his tongue into my mouth. After squeezing me gently, his fingers travelled down my body, and started to trail up my thighs. I gasped, feeling my body lurch into his when he flicked me between my legs, before slipping his fingers under the waist band of my bathing suit bottom, gently stroking me while he trailed his mouth back to my neck. I was tangling my hand in his hair when I heard an uncomfortable sounding cough.

“Um. Guys?” My face turned red when I turned around and saw Saeran staring at us, mouth slightly open.

“Hi, Saeran,” I said, grimacing. 

“It’s not anything I haven’t seen before,” he muttered. “But seriously? Are you two not able to keep your hands off of each other for a few hours?”

“Nope,” Saeyoung said, gently slapping my thigh. “I can’t do it.”

“AGH. I should have expected this. You two were gone, so I went to look for the sunscreen, and now…” 

“It’s okay, Saeran. We’re done,” I said, trying to de-escalate the awkwardness. Saeyoung looked down at himself in discomfort. He had slightly hardened from our make out session. 

“You’ll be okay,” I whispered in his ear. “It’s not like we won’t be able to do this later.” He raised an eyebrow. 

“Really?” “Of course. I’ll be sure to take care of you tonight.” 

“…Okay.” He looked back at his brother. “Saeran, there’s sunscreen in the trunk.” 

“I need some too.” Saeyoung stepped away from me, cheeks red, and I hopped off the car, taking the bottle from his brother. I applied it as quickly as possible, enlisting the Saeyoung to help me, but he couldn’t resist dipping his fingers into my bikini top and rubbing at my nipples.

“Hey,” I said, grabbing his hand. 

“I wouldn’t want you to get sunburned there,” he said, eyes teasing. “Such a sensitive area, and fabric shifts around throughout the day.” I rolled my eyes at him and he grinned cheesily. We were finally all blocked and ready for our day. Saeyoung sprinted off, flip-flops dangling precariously from his feet as he hopped across the concrete to try to avoid being scorched, and I chased him. He ditched his flip-flops where I’d set up our beach towels, cooler, and umbrella, and ran straight into the water, laughing at the shock when a wave hit him in the chest, nearly knocking him over. I followed him and giggled as my body smacked into his, the two of us trending water side by side as we gently rocked back and forth. It didn’t take long for him to start splashing me with a mischievous grin, cackling as the water hit me in the face, and I quickly returned the favor, grinning as I saw the water hit him and drench his hair, but after a beat, I gasped in guilt when I realized I might knock off his glasses.

“Sae!” I shouted, making sure he would hear me over the waves. “Be careful of your glasses.”

“No worries my lady,” he said, smiling. “A gentleman always comes prepared. He twirled around in the water so I could see the librarian chain he’d shortened to ensure that his glasses stayed firmly on his head. 

“Gentleman? Really?” 

“But of course!” He said, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“I guess that means you won’t splash me back anymore,” I said, smiling and playfully flicking water in his direction. 

“It means no such thing!” He splashed back at me, and my hair, dripping, floated behind my shoulders. He swam towards me and grabbed my hand, pulling me close to him. “You do look so pretty, though. Close your eyes so I can kiss you.” 

“I won't fall for this.” “Madeline! You don’t trust me!” He mocked hurt in his voice. I closed my eyes, humoring him, and was met, not with a kiss, but another wave of water, smacking me in the face.

“Let the record reflect that I totally saw that coming.”

“But you went along with it anyway!” He shook his head back and forth, sending droplets of water to hit me. “You’re too sweet for your own good.”

“I am not!” I said, pushing my hands to send a wave of water back at him. It hit him in the face and he gasped, laughing, before pulling me closer so he could kiss me in earnest. 

“Sae,” I said, looking at him as I broke away. “Did you block your ears? They’re looking a little red.” He blushed.

“Not from the sun, love.” 

“Aww. You’re cute. So cheesy.” He got redder momentarily before splashing me again. 

“Idiots.” I heard a familiar voice, calling to us. Saeran had waded slightly in the water to get our attention, but seemed hesitant to go any deeper.

“Hey,” Saeyoung whined, turning around. 

“Aren’t you hungry?” 

“Very. Always,” Saeyoung said, looking back at me.

“I think he meant for food,” I said, speaking loudly so that Saeran would hear.

“Madeline is correct. And Saeyoung. Fuck. How old are you? You’re like a horny teenager.”

“She brings out the worst in me.”

“Okay. I’m going to eat. You’re welcome to join me, but _please_ keep the PDA to a reasonable minimum.”

“Impossible,” Saeran said back, grinning at him. His brother rolled his eyes but walked back to the cooler, appearing resigned to his fate. We started swimming back, but I flinched when a large wave hit me. I braced myself, ready to be knocked underwater, but Sae grabbed my hand, pulling me back up so I wouldn't be. I grinned at him. 

“I love you.”

“This means you owe me,” he said, winking at me. 

“I’m glad to.” 

“Bold words.” When we arrived on the sand, I smiled at feeling the damp grains squish between my toes, occasionally brushing over small shells. 

“Saeran - why don’t you come in the water with us?” I asked him. He had sat in his folding chair, surveying the crowd rather than swimming. He got a little red in the face. “B-because it’s stupid. I don’t need to be a baby and get into a splash fight like you two.” Saeyoung leaned over to whisper in my ear.

“I’m not sure he can swim.” My eyes widened. This made a lot of sense. He’d had no chance to learn. I hurt momentarily, wishing either of them had told me earlier so we could plan a trip he would enjoy more, but couldn’t stop a small smile from popping onto my lips when I imagined him splashing around and insisting that he was actually more skilled in the water than both of us.

“What do we have packed?” Saeyoung said, looking at me expectantly. He had, smartly left the food up to me. Had he been in charge, we would have been left with only Honey Buddha Chips. I pulled out a few sandwiches, both of which had their names written on the paper wrappings, and handed them to the boys before pulling out my own. Saeyoung bit into his food, grinning as he savored the flavor.

“Fuck,” he said. “You’re going to make such an amazing wife.” He always talked as though we were already engaged. Had he forgotten that he had yet to ask my opinion on the matter? We both knew what my answer would be, so it wasn’t terribly important, but I intermittently craved the security of a ring. 

For lunch, I had made his favorite sandwich. Saeran was examining his, picking it apart to ensure it avoided ‘problem foods’ - he was incredibly picky, and tried to cover it, but I still noticed him taking his tomatoes and onions out of anything we ate. Naturally, his sandwich conformed to every preference I had seen. When he finally took a bite, he smiled as well. 

“It’s okay,” he said, looking back at me. “Not horrible.” I beamed. That was as close to praise as I could expect. 

“Aw, thanks Saeran. That means a lot.” He blushed and turned back to his sandwich, scarfing it down.

“No thank you for me?” Saeyoung said, raising an eyebrow. I leaned over my chair and kissed him. He grinned at me.

“ _Some of us_ are eating,” Saeran groaned. I didn’t say anything, but removed my own sandwich from the cooler and took a bite. My cuisine was legitimately mediocre. I’d spent years through silent and forced family dinners, none of which was I allowed to cook, and I was body shamed out of preparing any food of my own. Once I was living alone, I was over-reliant on easy and quick meals. But the boys, while somewhat hungry, were desperately starved on love. I had cried a little while making the sandwiches when I realized that probably no one had ever taken the care to make their favorites before.

“Do we have dessert?” Saeyoung asked, looking at me eagerly. “And what about snicky-snacks?”

“You’re so -“ Saeran and I said in harmony.

“Adorable,” I finished.

“Stupid,” Saeran said in pace with me. We made momentary eye contact and smiled slightly.

“Of course. I have drinks as well.” I handed Saeyoung his PhD Pepper and Saeran a capri-sun fruit punch. “Sorry. I wasn’t sure what to get you. I have other drinks, though.”

“… I wanted liquor.” I ignored him and resisted the urge to giggle as I saw him struggling to pierce the plastic with the straw. 

“Do you need help?” I offered. 

“No! I can do it myself.” Of course. The next drink he asked for, I put the straw in myself, and I saw a flicker of gratefulness as I handed it to him.

“I was told there would be sweets,” said Saeyoung, sipping his soda.

“You’re going to get fat,” Saeran said, looking at him critically. “And you’re already the less sexy twin.”

“No need to worry about me,” Saeyoung said with a teasing grin. “The two of us burn plenty of calories. So what did you pack, Maddie?” I handed him a package of fruit snacks, and his eyes lit up momentarily. He opened the package and ate them slowly, savoring the sweet flavor. There were so many things that he - well, both the boys, really, had missed out on in their childhood, that I was determined to make up for it in the time we had together. Their reactions often paralleled that of young children as they experienced the pleasures for the first time, and I lived for it. I handed Saeran a package of fruit snacks without asking, and he tore it open, pouring all the gummies into his mouth at once. I rolled my eyes and handed him another package when I saw his soft disappointment that they were all gone.

“Why does he get two?” 

“Because you get these,” I said, handing him a bag of his favorite chips. Saeyoung grinned and ruffled my wet hair, and Saeran mocked gagging at both the chips and our mild display of affection. “Thanks for being here with me, guys. I’m really happy to spend this time with you.”

“Me too,” Saeran said quietly.

“What’s that, Saeran? Did I hear a genuine expression of kindness?”

“No. I said ‘I hate you.’” I ignored him and reached both of my arms out, taking their hands in mine. In that moment, I felt truly loved, truly cherished, and I desperately hoped that they felt the same. The three of us may have spent so much of our lives feeling lost, but together, we were normal. We were home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all who have read in the interim! I apologize for any characterizations which are now off bc of the contents of "Another Story." I am only on Day Two. Please leave a review if you've read!
> 
> The song in the summary is Mr. Blue Sky. You can listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GswbT5zfmRE
> 
> I feel like this song fits because it talks about the clouds (that they've all experienced) in addition to the fact that they're now having a time which is bright.


	17. Summertime Gladness Pt II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh don't you wonder when the light begins to fade?  
> And the clock just makes the colors turn to grey  
> Forever younger growing older just the same  
> All the memories that we make will never change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter! Continuing the fluff a bit longer before delving into more important plot stuff. CW for sexual content.

I had taken a walk down the boardwalk, enjoying watching the tourists. Although I would have been happy to invite either of the brothers, they’d both dozed off on their towels after eating, and I couldn’t stand to wake them up. As I returned, I hoped at least one of them was awake. I had gotten lonely, seeing all the families and couples, wanted to remind myself that I was both part of a family and one half of a couple. 

When I got back to the beach, I didn’t see Saeran anywhere, but Saeyoung standing on a small sand dune, chatting with someone. He was talking to a taller guy who had overgrown dark hair, and a deep tan. He was laughing, and the man leaned in a little closer to brush his hand across Saeyoung’s shoulder. Saeyoung grinned and winked at him, laughing again. The man ran a hand through his hair, and his eyes were traveling up and down my boyfriend’s body. What, exactly was happening? 

“Saeyoung?” I called, and he looked over at me. He didn’t answer, and I could tell his expression was meant to be indifferent, but there was a teasing look in eyes. Oh. He was messing with me because of earlier with Saeran. 

“I’m staying in a beach house about a mile from there. Do you want to go there? I’m a bartender, so I make really good martinis.” The man’s voice was gravelly and a little husky.  
“Oh, I don’t know,” Saeyoung said coquettishly. “As tempting as the offer is, I came here with people; I can’t just leave them.” I approached them and stood next to Saeyoung, a false glare on my face. 

“Can I help you?” The man said, looking at me.

“I don’t know. Babe, can he?” I wrapped my hands around Saeyoung’s waist, leaning into his chest.

“She’s my sister,” Saeyoung insisted, amusement in his tone. I looked up at him in mock disbelief.

“Sister? Are you into that now? I know you liked the whole student/teacher thing, but this is bizarre, even for you.”

“I mean, it’s only fair… I did pretend to be… what’s the name of that vampire character you like? Was it Laito?” 

“Please. You enjoyed it.” The man was staring at the two of us, looking more than a little uncomfortable.

“Why didn’t you say you had a girlfriend?” 

“I don’t. She’s my fiancé.” What?! This just reaffirmed the idea that he thought he’d said something to me that he hadn’t.

“…That’s not better. But I mean, I don’t mind if you don’t.” My jaw dropped, and I looked at him with a scandalized expression.

“Are you having an _affair_? I can’t take you anywhere! First the maid, and now this…” Saeyoung made an expression of faux pain, but I could see the grin shining through. “It’s not like that, sweetheart. You know I only have eyes for you.” 

“Okay… I’ll leave the two of you to… whatever it is you have planned for the night,” the man said sheepishly.

“Shame on you,” I said, looking at him seriously. “Flirting with an engaged man.” “Hey, I didn’t know.” His expression was sheepish. 

“Go!” I said, pointing away, into the distance. “Think about your actions.” The man slunk away, and I returned my attention to my boyfriend.

“Was that your attempt at payback? For joking with Saeran when he said he was the hotter twin?”

“It depends. Were you jealous?” He ruffled my hair. 

“No. I was entertained.” 

“Aw… I was really trying.” 

“If your intent is genuine jealousy, picking someone who you might actually hook up with would set you in the right direction.”

“Huh? What do you mean? He was a good looking dude. A little sleazy, maybe, but not ugly or anything.”

“… He’s a guy.”

“So?” “Huh? You never told me you were bi.”

“Oh. I just assumed you knew. I’m not exactly subtle.”

“Wait… so did you and Vanderwood ever _actually_ -“

“Let’s go build a sandcastle.”

“Oh my god,” I said, laughing. “You totally hooked up with Vanderwood! You said you had never had sex with someone you liked.”

“First. How did you get the impression that he is someone I like? Second, we didn’t have sex. We kissed. Once. We were drunk.”

“Omg.” 

“You’re cute,” he said, kissing me on the forehead. 

“I can’t believe you never told me!!! Even after Saeran’s whole ‘three-ways are a thing, spiel!”

“Maddie, we are not going to hook up with Zen.” 

“Why not him specifically?” Saeyoung looked away in the distance.

“We’re going to need to talk about this at some point, Madeline.” 

“Why? I mean, I know you posted all those pictures with his tripter bot… Wait, why not? You clearly appreciate his elegantly masculine yet vulnerable aesthetic.” He gave me a look of concern. “Okay, okay. I get it. Don’t tease about your bromances. Are you going to say ‘no homo’ or something?” 

“What are you two idiots talking about?” Saeran interjected. He had snuck up behind us without - at least my - notice.

“How I’m the more attractive twin.” 

“That’s not-“ I didn’t want Saeran thinking we were gossiping… about him, at least.  
“I’m not?” Saeyoung looked down at me and poked me on my bare stomach. I squealed and he looked down at me, grinning, and kissed the top of my head. 

“You two are so fucking annoying.”

“Sorry Saeran,” I said, looking at him sympathetically. “I don’t want you to feel like a third wheel. Maybe you should invite someone next time?” 

“I don't know anyone.” 

“Have you considered online dating?”

“No, Maddie,” the Choi twins said in harmony, with an identical expression of disapproval on their faces.

“Okay, okay. Got it. You two are so cute together.”

“No we aren’t-“ 

“Right?” The boys spoke over each other. I smiled at them. 

“You know I love you both, right?” Saeyoung nodded and reached for my hand, squeezing it.

“Whatever,” Saeran avoided eye contact and turned away, but I could see that he was flushed. Saeyoung and I followed him back to where our things were set up, and I could see that Saeran the beginnings of a sand castle. He didn’t know that I’d brought a bucket and shovel in one of my bags, so it was rudimentary, but my heart still skipped a beat in happiness at seeing him engage in a childhood pastime. 

“I bet I can build a better one,” Saeyoung said, looking at his brother’s work, as Saeran surreptitiously dug a moat. 

“Better what?” Saeran looked away.

“Sandcastle! Let’s have a contest!” 

“I’m not building a sandcastle.” We both looked at him pointedly. “Okay… I’m building a sandcastle. But you were being weird! And I was bored!” 

“So is that saying ‘no’ to my challenge?”

“Yes.” 

“Scared you’ll lose?” Saeyoung taunted him.

“To you! Never!” Saeran was so easily baited. It was adorable. “But Maddie can’t participate.”

“What? Why?”

“You’ve definitely been to the beach way more times than us. It’s unbalanced. And no helping Saeyoung, either.”

“Okay. I’ll be the judge.”

“You really think I’d ever agree to that? Aren’t you a bit biased?” 

“No. I love both Choi Bois equally.” 

“Bullshit.” 

“Not so!” 

“You’re only having sex with one of us. You don’t think that generates a preference?”

“Well, I-“

“Saeran,” his brother interjected. “You seem awfully interested in that aspect of our relationship.” I could see his expression, trying to make his brother squirm. Saeyoung usually only showed his sadistic side to me, but this teasing was harmless. 

“I - what - no - I just!” Saeran had turned bright red, and was sputtering in embarrassment. He was so pure in that moment. “It’s not my fault you’re both exhibitionists!” 

“I don’t know Saeran,” I said. “There have been a lot of strange comments.”

“That’s because there’s been a lot of strange behavior!” Saeyoung and I gave each other what was intended to appear a knowing look. “What are you two making eye contact for? Have you talked about this?”

“I’m surprised you don’t already know, since you like listening so much,” I said, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“I -“ Saeran paused. “Am going to quit while I’m ahead. You’re both idiots.” 

“You’d call that ahead?” Saeyoung looked at him quizzically.

“Shut up.” Saeran was still red, but grinning slightly. I knew that on some, deep sub level, he liked being teased. It was just really deep down. I got a bucket and pale for each of them out of my bag, and distributed. In those moments, with the sun slowly setting on the horizon, we were all happy. 

***

 

Saeyoung pointed up at the sky, lacing his other hand in my mine, and squeezing tightly. We’d been walking, the sky dark and the rest of the beach isolated, but he slowly came to a stop to show me something.

“That’s us,” he said, grinning.

“Huh?” 

“707 and 606.” He grinned, looking down at me. “That’s where I put our stars on my ceiling.” He pointed at two twinkling lights. “They won’t last forever - even stars explode at some point, but that’s as close as I can give you.” I looked up at him, a feeling of love and warmth swelling in my chest.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you more.”

“Not possible.”

“This much,” I said, pointing my foot and unoccupied hands in opposite directions. 

“Uh-uh. No way. I love you more,” he said, reaching into the sky.

“You’re taller. No fair.” He laughed and wrapped his arms around my waist, lifting me so that I could reach higher. 

“We’re so much better together. You and I, it’s not just Saeyoung + Maddie = Saeyoung + Maddie. When we’re together, we’re more than the sum of our parts. We make each other stronger. I love that.” His voice was quiet and uncharacteristically serious, a tone usually only reserved for speaking on hurt. He set me down, planting my feet on his and taking my hands so that he could walk me backwards, dancing around and occasionally dropping me to dip back momentarily before catching me and pulling me close again.

“I want to swim,” I said, looking at the water.

“I don’t know, Madeline… Is that safe?” 

“You’re a good swimmer.” He was. “You’ll protect me. Besides, we won’t go that deep. He humored me. Neither of us was wearing our suits anymore, because swimming hadn’t been planned, so we stripped down to our underwear, leaving our clothes on the beach. I looked at him momentarily, enjoying the view of the moonlight glancing off his pale skin and lean body, reflecting in his eyes which were already lit up with joy..

“We might as well get undressed the rest of the way. There’s no one else here,” I said, smiling at him coyly. He glanced around, spending slightly more time to examine than I had. He wouldn’t find anyone, though. It was the middle of the night, and the beach was empty. 

“Are you sure Saeran is gone?”

“Yeah. He’s asleep in his tent. I checked before we snuck out.” Saeyoung walked towards me and unclasped the back of my bra, tracing my breasts and discarding it unceremoniously on the ground. He reached down to take my bottoms off, not before glancing around him. I smirked at him.

“What? I don’t want anyone else to see you.” I rolled my eyes, and he playfully slapped my ass, before grabbing my waist band and pulling it down to my knees, teasingly kissing me quickly between my legs. I flinched and stepped out of my underwear, leaving it with the rest of my clothes.

“Just… stand there for a moment. Don’t move.” Saeyoung’s eyes appraised me, looking me up and down, lingering on my breasts, lips, and lower body, and finally meeting my eyes.

“Fuck, I’m never going to get used to that. And even more gorgeous in this lighting.” I struck a suggestive pose and he pressed his hand against his heart. “You’ll kill me,” he said with a wide grin and a glint in his eyes. I kissed him, starting on his neck and trailing down his body, and reached into his boxers, squeezing him gently. I could feel him hardening under my touch and loved it. I copied him and dropped to my knees, pulling his underwear down and gently dragging my lips across his tip. He shivered under my touch and I grinned, relishing the expression he made me when I turned him on.

“I don’t want to swim anymore,” he muttered.

“I do,” I said. “Come and catch me!” I stood up and ran, chest into the waves, and was overcome by the feeling of the ocean hitting my bear breasts. Saeyoung ran after me, and we swam until we were submerged a little above our waists. The tide was fairly tame, and he pulled me towards him. I could feel his tip teasing near my thigh, and he raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Aren’t you curious?” 

“Fuck yes,” I said, and he grabbed my hand, wrapping my fingers around his length. We both gasped at the rawness of the sensation.

I grinned as I mixed up the rhythm, running my fingers over his tip gently. He gasped and wrapped his hand around my waist, digging his fingers into me.

“Saeyoung,” I whispered. I felt him twitch under my grip - this was unbelievably satisfying. He bit into his lip, groaning as I stroked him, making sure that my was always a beat quicker than his breaths. I grabbed Saeyoung’s hand with my free one and stuck his index fingers into my mouth, one at a time, licking the length and occasionally grazing his fingertips with my teeth. “I hope you know,” my voice was sultry. “That I love the feeling of having you in my hand. But we can run back to the tents if you want. You can have your way with me.” I meant it. The lids of his eyes drooped slightly, his jaw slack with arousal.

“Agh. I can’t t-take it if you talk to me like that.” 

“Good. I’m going to squeeze you until you can’t breathe.” I felt him flinch, thrusting his hips into my hand, and his cheeks were red under the moonlight. I leaned closer, pressing my chest against his, and breathed into his ear. My pace was still even, but I knew there were so many other ways I could simultaneously unravel him. I nibbled gently on his ear lobe, and kissed his jaw, running my tongue across his slight stubble. I finally returned my lips to his, biting him down on him sharply and relishing the feeling of him moaning into my mouth. I could tell from his quivering that he was close, and I brushed my tongue across his lips, before pulling away and locking eyes.

“Come for me, Saeyoung.” He gasped at my command, and I could feel white liquid spilling into the ocean as he shook, biting his tongue to keep from moaning.

“ _Fuck_.” 

“Hmm?” I grinned at him. Saeyoung’s post orgasm glow was bordering on literal fluorescence.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re perfect?” 

“Not often enough.”

“Well,” he said, pulling me closer. “You, Madeline Cain, the love of my life, are perfect.” My blush reflected in his glasses and I kissed him softly on the tip of his nose.

“You’re okay I guess.” He smiled at me.

“Just okay?’

“You get a passing grade,” I said, teasing him.

“I’m not satisfied with that. It’s my new quest to improve my standing!” Before I knew what was happening, Saeyoung had swept me off of my feet and was carrying me, through the buoyant water, to the shore. He grinned when he spotted our beach chair, and plopped me onto my back, pulling my thighs over his shoulders so he could kiss up my legs. 

“You’re so salty Maddie,” he said, laughing at the taste of sea water on my skin, and reaching his hand up to touch my chest. I moaned and thrusted my hips towards him. “And eager. I like that.” He finally stopped teasing me and started kissing me running his tongue across my folds before pressing it inside of me and occasionally flicking his lips back at my clit. “I love hearing you whimper,” he said, softly grazing his teeth over my nub and making me squirm.

“Fuck, Sae,” I groaned. He pressed a finger inside of me so that he could focus on my most sensitive spot, running his tongue across and around it while his fingers relentlessly pressed themselves in and out of me, pressing upward at my g-spot as they entered.

“How do you feel?” 

“So. Fucking. Good,” I moaned. A final suck across my folds sent me over the age, sending shockwaves of euphoric pleasure across my whole body which exploded at my core. Saeyoung pressed his cheek against my thigh, grinning at the feeling of me shaking because of his touch. We stayed there, for a moment, his face rested on my leg, until our breathing slowed. 

“Is this what you wanted?” I asked, looking down at him.

“Dearest, this was supposed to be about satisfying you. And as far as I can tell, I succeeded. Like, a lot.” 

“You did.” He grinned at me, showing all his teeth. Saeyoung sometimes looked like a human emoji. “But is this what you wanted from me? From us? Are you happy with our relationship?” 

“Oh.” His voice was quiet, and he sat up, looking at me seriously. “Of course. You bring me brightness when all I see is dark. I hope I can do the same for you.”

“Of course, Sae. Thank you for making it worthwhile to get up in the morning. There isn’t a lot which reminds me of that.” The two of us were quiet for a while, but the air quickly turned to chill, so we quickly pulled our clothes on, doing our best and probably failing - at avoiding sand. 

“Hop on, darling,” he said, gesturing at his back. “I want to take you for a piggyback ride.” I did as he asked, wrapping my arms around his chest and smiling as he tightly grabbed my knees. “Hold on tight.” I leaned down slightly and kissed his neck. “GAH. Madeline. I’ll drop you.” 

“Okay. I can be patient,” I purred in his ear.

“Not. Better,” he said, digging his nails into my leg. I resisted the urge to sigh and resolved to not distract him. After assuring his grip on me was 100% secure, he took off running, across the beach. I grinned. The slightly cool air hitting my face and the feeling of being tightly wound around him was perfect. “Taking the pretty lady to… fulfill our mission as defenders of justice! Righting every wrong to be done on this watery playing field,” he shouted, and I could almost see the grin plastered across his cheeks. He twirled around, holding me close. “Look up at the stars!” I did as he asked and watched them swirl around above me, our movement making them appear like patterns - almost as though they streaked across the sky. He did the same, but he couldn't keep his balance, tripping but catching himself with his hands. “Maddie - are you okay?”

“I have seldom been better.” 

“Good. I won’t let a little sand in my palms deter us from our mission.” He turned around, running back to where we came and up the walkway towards our tent. Breathless, he finally set me down outside of it.

“Ready for bed, my love?”

“I want a shower.” He nodded and followed me towards the building, grabbing our shampoo, towels, and soap. Although the showers were technically gender segregated, he followed me into the women’s without a second thought. It was late enough that I wasn’t really worried about alarming anyone, and both of us were too tired to hookup again. We stripped down, leaving our clothes in a pile. I turned on the faucet and he bravely stepped into the water before me, not even flinching at the cold so that he could tell me when it was warm enough. Our shower wasn't long, but I relished the feeling of his adept fingers weaving conditioner in and out of my long hair and the sound of his steady breathing behind me. After rinsing my hair, Saeyoung wrapped his arms around me and brushed his lips against my cheek. I turned around and pressed my lips to his, and he spent a moment kissing me sweetly before getting out of the shower, drying off, and wrapping me in a towel as soon as I got out so that I wouldn’t get cold. He was so good to me. And I so didn't deserve it. 

He grinned wryly when he saw me staring pensively into the distance and started shaking his hair, like a dog, spewing droplets of water everywhere. I watched him and immediately started giggling when he lost his balance and caught himself against the wall, grinning and flushing.

“The pinnacle of grace.” 

“That’s me!” He said proudly, posing balletically and almost slipping again. We tiptoed back to the tent in our towels, and, after carefully brushing the sand off of our feet, we stepped inside our tent. Saeyoung watched me as I slipped on a favorite pair of pajamas - cat print, he had picked them out for me. I sat down, zipping myself up in my sleeping bag, while he put on his pajama pants, and he frowned after crouching down beside me.

“I don’t like this.”

“What?” 

“We’re so far apart.”

“I can’t sleep without a sleeping bag. I’ll get cold.” 

“I’ll keep you warm.” 

“I have a better idea.” Both of our sleeping bags unzipped entirely, so they could be used as a square blanket. I grabbed the corner of his and attempted to mover my zipping into his so that we could combine them into one large sleeping bag which we would both fit in. Saeyoung chuckled when he saw me struggling and took over what I had been trying without much trouble. The sleeping bags looked silly and mismatched, like a giant pillow case. I sat down and wriggled inside, and he followed suit. We lay on the ground, using our elbows to prop our heads so that we could face each other.

“Goodnight my love,” he said, his voice a little sleepy. I could see he was starting to nod off. “Th-thank you,” he mumbled, yawning. “For helping us make the memories we never got to have. I love you.” I felt tears prick my eyes, rolling down my cheeks, and I muffled a sniffle. Saeyoung startled, going rigid and seeming suddenly wide awake. “What’s wrong? Did I say something that hurt you? Are you sunburnt?” I could see the anxiety gears turning in his head. “No. I’m really happy right now, but that doesn’t stop the melancholy of knowing what y’all missed out on in the past.”

“You can never make up for lost time,” he said, nodding solemnly. “So lets make sure that every single minute we spend together is taken up to eleven - no, up to infinity in awesomeness.” I smiled at him, and I felt his body relax a little more. 

“You scared me.” 

“I know. I’m sorry.” 

“My love. Don’t apologize.” He rolled over and lay on his back, staring towards the roof of our tent, and I scooted towards him so that I could lay on top of him, resting my head on his chest. His heartbeat was so steady. He wrapped an arm around my waist and let me tangle his legs around mine. I was slowly drifting of to sleep, a dizzy smile on my lips, when I heard him whisper into my ear. 

“Goodnight, my sweet girl. I love you. And your hair smells super good. So thanks for that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a review! Also PSA sexual activities in the ocean/on the beach can be dangerous and give UTIs so don't copy this action in real life! The song in the summary is "Golden Days," by Panic! at the Disco. You can listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooEv1cH97HA


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